Kidnapping on the First Date

 I get occasional contacts on various platforms asking me to do a CNC session, often a kidnapping scenario where I take the sub somewhere to tie up and use. This is a very hot scene, as the sub struggles and resists. The idea of forcing someone to take what I give out is hot for me, and for the sub, the idea of being forced really gets their gears going. 

It’s the resistance that makes it hot for both. One being forced, one enforcing their will on another. For a sub, it can relieve them of questions of what they would or won’t do. Here is where it gets tricky. I strive to be a Responsible Dom, I want willing participants in my sessions. I love making the subs who are under me do as I say, but each of them has agreed to submit. A sub I do not know is a different matter. He could be very willing, but since I don’t know him, I would not be as able to tell a real resistance from one he is doing for the scene. Safewords are great, but a newer sub especially may not remember to use them. There is a lot of risk in this. 

Another risk is the sub deciding this is not a scene they really want to go through. If they never have, no matter how strong the draw, it may just not be for them. The subs I work with know me, and I know them. We know how to call a scene off if it’s just not working. By the time the Dom and sub know each other, a lot of the patina of a good CNC (consentual-non-consent) is gone. The sub feels safe with the Dom, so the fear of that Dom in a CNC scene is not there. As a Dom, I want to be assured the sub is up for and able to complete the scene. Something I can’t get if I don’t know him. 

So here is the rub, the very thing that makes a CNC scene exciting is the very thing reduced by the needed familiarity of the Dom and sub. The more I think on it, the less I want to be the Dom who gets a visit from the cops because a new sub changed his mind. Which is a legitimate risk. The best solution to me, is for a sub to get to know Dom A who then arranges Dom B to start the CNC scene. 

A lot of what we do is risky. I totally get how thrilling the idea of being forced is. That elevated thrill brings elevated risk. 

The Other Side of Obscuring

No matter what platform you are on, there is a call for a picture. I’m sure there are numerous studies done proving seeing the face of an internet correspondent helps create a better connection. It makes sense, we tell a lot from faces in the real world. In kink, a lot of people chose to post their face. And a lot don’t. To be clear going into this, I do not post my face. I’ve made my choice, and I’m prepared to live with it.

The decision to post a face pic or not is up to the individual. Many have no problem with it, and those does show their willingness to commit. There are platforms you can post your face, your ass, your dick, how well you suck, how you fuck. There are a lot of guys who will want to see and appreciate. You are an adult, so you have made a decision on your life.

Others chose not to. No-Facers have their own reasons like Facers do. Some could have their jobs put in jeopardy if associated with kink. To some it may just be a preference. Regardless, a No-Facer is an adult and has made the decision just like a Facer has.

As discussions progress, very often a request to exchange face pics, to do a video call, or something else is made. This is perfectly natural, and shows a progression of of the relationship. No-Facers have a new choice. Some will share with people they have grown to trust. Others will not. Here is where we get to the crux of the matter. Given the ease and expectation of face pics, if you chose not to share, be prepared for that to cool things down.

The other person, be they a Facer or No-Facer has every right to expect to see you at some point. This is the right of expectation, not an absolute right to see you. A No-Facer can still decline and be within his full rights. If you are unwilling to share your face, you must be prepared, as I am, for that discussion to end. Asking to see your face it not unreasonable.

Facers should be prepared that some men will not show their face regardless, and evaluate on their own how to deal with it. It may eliminate the possibility of physical contact, but if the discussion is engage, you can still talk.

For both sides, consider how important it is to see the other person’s face. Is it a deal breaker? Can you live with it? And remember, the other person as the right to make the decision they make. It’s not a question of rights, it’s a question of how you deal with it. Be prepared to accept the consequences of your decision.

Two Types of Collars

When it comes to collaring a sub, we have heard about consideration collars, promise collars, commitment collars. All of these represent some level of engagement with a dynamic. Some Doms will have a sub move from one type to another working up to a permanent collar. There are also what I call “signal collars”, which are put on by a sub with an open lock to advertise his desire to find a Dom. 

I want to talk about two specific types of collar. The first is a scene/session collar. I like collars. I like subs in collars, and I will put one on him if it’s our first session. This does not indicate anything but I want one on the sub. If he’s a pup, it’s almost required. There is no special significance to a session collar. It does not indicate I claim him or that he submits to me for more than the session we engage in. It’s not supposed to. It’s part of the session just like bondage or a flogger would be. It’s a tool. At the end it comes off like anything else I’ve put on to have fun with. 

A sub should not take that as establishing a dynamic, and the Dom should not either. It’s designed for play, it is play. Attributing more to it is a mistake. 

The next is some level of “commitment” collar. In this case commitment does not mean one has been established, but that it is more extensive than a scene/session. The first one I want to discuss is the “looking for” collar. This is a collar with an open lock. Such a collar is used to indicate a sub is actively looking for a Dom and is approachable. It is not an open invitation to use or talk to the sub as if he were already yours. The open lock is a signal, one of availability. Compatibility is another matter. 

If the lock is closed, it most likely means the sub is taken at some level. The sub may close the lock because they want to indicate they are submissive, but not open to searching, but that is fairly rare. A closed lock most frequency indicates the sub has an ongoing relationship with a Dom. The level of that relationship is up to the members. If you see a closed lock, there is no reason you cannot talk to the sub, but do not expect it to go beyond talking. If the sub is open to that, he will have to indicate in another way that he is available. I never presume that a sub can play outside his dynamic unless he says so. 

Collars can help draw a Dom and sub together, to show they are in a dynamic. It is a mistake to presume they are in a full on TPE 24/7. It could be the two are early in a deep commitment and are making sure things will sustain. It could be a timed collar, where they have agreed to a given dynamic for a period. It’s really up to them to decide how to do it. 

Collaring is very important to the Leather and BDSM communities. The term “collaring” can even mean a virtual collar, where the relationship exists, but the physical collar is not present. Just as some married couples do not have or wear rings, some have the commitment, not the physical item. 

Where there are some general rules, collaring is up to the people involved in it. General practice is most solid around the term “collaring” for the establishment of a dynamic, and the open or closed lock to announce availability. 

Keyed Consent

 Consent is very important to me. It is beyond amazing what can be done by a Dom because a sub consents to it. But the fulcrum is consent. Everything pivots and is made possible by it. Clear consent, given without pressure or coercion, makes a vast arena for both to explore. 

Consider a house that has a single door in the front and a number of rooms that can be locked inside. Each of these rooms is something the sub can consent to, and the house is the sub himself. The sub can choose to give the Dom keys to whichever rooms he is willing to consent to. The Dom has the keys and can use the rooms as he wishes. All of this is because the sub has surrendered the keys to him. The sub can get the keys back at any point. Either by saying so in discussion, or calling a safe word. 

What rooms, what the sub consents to, can change over time and should be a partnership discussion. I don’t say that to mean that the Dom can override the sub in this, but that if there are questions or concerns the Dom needs to know so he can adjust as necessary. Withholding consent may be permanent or temporary, depending on need. Discussing with your partner lets your partner understand and know if he can push on the door, or needs to avoid entirely. 

The construction and layout of the house is up to the sub. Each room is locked and some locked rooms can be in other locked rooms. Each key is independent. The sub opens the front door to explore with the Dom. When this happens, the Dom has free reign to every door he can open. As often and as intensely as that room permits. The sub has surrendered the management of those rooms to the Dom until such time as the sub takes the keys away.

“Pushing on the door” is a good way to describe how to test limits. A Dom should never violate the limits, but can go up to them and push. That gives the sub the security that the limits remain in place, and gives the sub an opportunity to contemplate giving the Dom a key to that room to explore. The door is not unlocked, it does not open, until the sub gives the Dom the key. 

A sub may not want to be in the room the Dom has decided to explore. However, bound to the Dom, the sub goes where the Dom wishes. With the keys comes dominion. So long as the Dom has the keys, he is in charge and makes the decisions. Like giving keys to a renter, the renter has the rights there, until there is an eviction. What the sub evaluates is does he want to take back the key to the room or to everything. So long as the sub leaves the keys with the Dom, the sub obeys. And the Dom is within his rights to use those rooms as he choses. 

Doms do have to look at how he is using the room. This is part of being a Dom, or a good renter. Use that room for its purpose, but watch out for wear and tear. How does the sub react? What are you doing and will that cause the sub to need to take back the key? Yes, it’s yours for now. But like someone destroying a rental property, will that get you evicted. A good Dom does not just use, but uses so he can continue to use.  

The main key is the key to the front door, the only way into everything. Opening up this door gives the Dom rights to the rooms he has keys to. The front door has a key the sub cannot ever completely surrender. It’s molded to his hand, or the lock is biometric. However you want to visualize it. The sub may never (and I argue should never) feel he has no right to lock that door to the Dom, no matter how long submission lasts, it is always possible the sub can lock the front door. If the front door is locked, no matter how many interior keys the Dom may have, he can use none of them because he cannot get to those doors. 

Consent is the key is a common phrase. It is key, it is how we do what we do. Each of those keys is precious, for the sub to surrender, for the Dom to engage. 

Starting from No

 A sub wants to obey, so they start with “Yes”. A Dom does the opposite. Any idea, if the Dom comes up with it on his own, reads about, even if the sub approaches him, the Dom should start with “No”. A sub uses a safe word to signal a true “No”, within limits, any order should be met with a “Yes” otherwise. Doms need to examine any idea from the default position that it should not be done. 

Starting from not allowing the action, the Dom can now look to see if the activity is or can be made safe. Can the sub do it without damage to the sub’s psyche? Can the sub do it without jeopardizing family/friends/work? If so, will the sub have lingering effects? Sub can follow commands that might require recovery time. 

Consider a task of keeping the sub up for an extended period of time, more than 24 hours. Keeping the sub up all night would prevent the sub from performing at their employment. So the “No” comes from timing. It would be possible to keep the sub up all night when there is time for the sub to recover and not trouble their job. So it is really a “Not Now”. 

Starting from “No” is an exercise that builds safety and security into letting the action happen. Beginning with all the reasons something cannot be done, and finding how to permit each one insures it will go better. 

I’m not suggesting that every little thing needs to have a lengthy evaluation, having the mindset there could be a problem increases the safety factor. 

If the sub has a suggestion, if it’s simple, you can quickly run through it and agree. If it’s more complex, step back and say you will consider it. Go over everything away from the heat of action. Keep the decision making process and high emotion separate. 

Be safe, keep your sub safe. Enjoy each other much longer. 

Fiduciary Dom

 In any power exchange relationship, regardless of the terms used or level of exchange, it is more than the Dom giving orders, the power to give orders comes with the responsibility to properly manage the sub in a way that looks to the sub’s best interest. As a Dom the temptation, the great temptation, is to use the the sub for the Dom’s benefit. This is especially true if the sub is focused on the Dom to the detriment of the sub’s own interest. The sub pushing to be used is a further challenge to the Dom. 

A fiduciary duty is a long established (greatly financial) responsibility to look at the beneficiary’s interests, to manage in an ethical manner. It is easy to use the sub to the Dom’s advantage, to use his money, and his service. In a power exchange, this is acceptable so long as the sub is not taken advantage of. No matter how much the sub may beg for it, the Dom is responsible to look out for the sub, even if the sub thinks the Dom is going against him. 

What this benefit is may not be apparent on the surface. It may be long hours serving the Dom, sexually or not. It may be best for the sub to be loaned out to others. It may be chastity, or it may not. It could be monogamy. The important part is the improvement and growth of the sub. the sub may chaff and complain, but it is for his long term benefit. 

Let’s take an example of a power exchange relationship begun over a long distance. It progresses to the point where they want to cohabitate. The easy answer is to have the sub move to the Dom, get a new job. That is the easy answer. What if the sub has a decent job where they are now, but the best they could get is a fast-food one with the Dom. A Dom that insists on that for the Dom’s convenience is not acting as a good fiduciary to the sub. The Dom may need to move. They might need to delay until one or the other finds a suitable position and the move works for both of them - regardless of the direction. 

In an equal partnership, each would work with the other to come to a mutually beneficial decision. Jobs, homes, family, friends. All the factors that make up a life. When the sub cedes control, he also cedes duty. The Dom has to decide for both, taking on the part of the sub and fighting (albeit internally) on the sub’s behalf. 

In areas of small gradiency, it is fine for the Dom to act in his own benefit. Sure, all else being equal, the Dom’s house is 50 square feet smaller. So move to the Dom’s place. But if the relationship terminated tomorrow, the sub should not be worse off, or in an untenable position. 

The Dom must always be aware that the sub will offer up the sub’s discomfort to make it better for the Dom. This is something the Dom must discount and ignore. It’s not what the sub is expressing, even truly wanting that the Dom must consider, but the Dom’s ethical and fiduciary duty to the sub. 

The goal should be a neutral party looking at the decisions made and agreeing that the Dom acted well. The sub may be pushed, may have to struggle to obey. But it is improvement and growth.

Destructive Doms

 Looking for a partner in the vanilla world takes time, to find a partner Dom or sub longer as you have to find a variation. It is easy to claim to be a Dom or sub. Say you are, put on a profile, and you will get some level of attention. A fake sub will not obey after a while, and a true Dom will move on. A fake Dom will harm a true sub’s ability to serve. 

On the surface of it, the life of a Dom seems so easy. You want your dick sucked or your laundry done, your sub will hop right to it. You don’t have to do the friend thing of going over to their place to help them put up drywall or reciprocate sexually. Frequency and intensity are entirely up to you. No need for flowers, cajoling, or anything. Fuck him, cum, and send him to fetch you a beer. 

If that’s what you think a Dom’s life is I hope you never have a chance to try it out. Subs are like any living resource, proper nurturing will bring more reward than burning them out. Using up a sub not only means he can no longer serve you, but you have robbed all the other Doms who might have used him in the future. 

Yes, a sub is there to serve, but the sub has to get something out of it a “Satisfaction of Service”, the feeling they have contributed to the betterment of the Dom they are serving. This is a hard concept to grasp, as a Dom may not give obvious positive feedback, but the sub feels something in the connection service provides. Something in the Dom’s reactions tells the sub he has made a difference in a man’s life. Fake dom’s can’t exude the same quality. It’s like watching someone who is really confident and someone trying to fake it. Like there is a level of confusion or uncertainty the ‘dom’ has in getting served. There is an ease in a real Dom receiving service a lack of doubt. 

Humans have an ability to tell confidence, leadership. Fake leaders reveal themselves, fake doms do as well. Be it little things, the fakes will be noticed. It may take a sub some time to notice, but the evidence will mount. Here is where the problem comes in. The sub begins to feel an unease, their Satisfaction of Service fades and is not there. The sub will come to dislike the service, even serving itself. This pushes the sub away from submission. Especially if he is a new sub, he gets a bad feeling about it and will begin to withdraw service. 

Subs need to be fulfilled by their service. If they are not, they will no longer serve. It may be a “Good Boy”, expressions that things have been done well, or even simply saying “You are dismissed”, but service to a true Dom fulfills the sub, and inspires him to more. A fake will leave the sub feeling empty. 

True Doms provide positive guidance to a sub, encouraging him to improve his servitude, his entire life. The sub is bettered in all ways, and that betterment reflects on the Dom. 

Grow the sub, not only will your sessions be better, but all the other Doms he serves will have a better sub to command. Destructive Doms tear a sub down, leaving him unable to serve, unwilling to serve. 

Safe to the edge

Safe words are an important part of the BDSM lifestyle. Scenes of extreme impact play, bondage, humiliation and so on require a way for the sub to indicate actual distress. ‘Actual’ distress because reactions such as screams or ‘please don’t’ may be part of how the sub is thrilled during the scene itself and not an indication distress or desire to stop. The agreement between the Dom and sub that the safe word is the actual stop is vital. 

BDSM goes further than physical discomfort or pain. It can, and does, have an impact on the mental state of the participants. I do not see or say this as a negative impact. In cases the mental impact can be negative in the short or long term, as such the Dom and sub need also look at their mental states. It may be a flash of past trauma. 

Lighter activities don't carry the same level of need for safe words as heavy ones do. But I have them in place as a blanket protection. As small as it is, I want to know there is a clear signal for a problem. If I'm giving a light spanking to an unrestrained sub, he would be able to stand up in an emergency - and might react that way faster than safe wording. 

But even the most innocuous of activities could have an unexpected result. I once had a sub with a very negative reaction to me putting a bit in his mouth. It was emotional and surprised him. 

Do safe words take some of the edge out play? Yes, but in those (always hopefully passingly rare) cases they are needed, they should be in place. The regret when they are not, the damage that could result is too great.

If you want to return the edge so slightly blunted by a safe word, use them in a constructive way. Have a sub with a bondage fetish but fear of exposure? Perhaps when bound, let the hear the sound of a camera, then show them the pictures you took of the floor or your foot on their phone.  

The importance of safe words being pervasive is not because every single activity we have needs them, but because when the activity does require them, they must be not second nature, but first nature. 

When the safe word is capable of dulling the edge, that is when it is most needed.

The Extreme Fantasy

 We can get tantalized by the extreme. Being taken as a sex slave, heavy whippings, blackmail. Total degradation and loss of any semblance of control or choice. Look at our mundane lives and dream of it. 

I write erotic fiction of subs forced into doing things they abhor. It can be very stimulating. The reality is sharply different. Take time to think of the things you cannot stand to do and imagine doing nothing but that for days or weeks, longer. Eat nothing but foods you cannot stomach for a few days. Do it to yourself how long can you last when every moment is a torment?

Whipping can be fun for recipient and provider. If you are whipped, how long can you go? What if you cannot safe word to stop? The whipper continues until he is finished, regardless of what you feel, how damaged you are.

Extreme sexual fantasies are not what they appear on screen or page when you are experiencing them. If you want to try one, find an experienced, trustworthy Dom who will show them to you. I have had subs visit with extreme requests, and as we explored them, they discovered the bite of the lash (whatever that lash is) has removed the fantasy and placed the activity somewhere they would never return.

Fantasize away. I do it. I encourage others to with my stories. But when you take your hand off your dick, explore all the downsides. That is where you will find how much of a hold the fantasy has on you.

The threat and use of blackmail is very real. There are Doms who will do it and will expose the sub as punishment. These subs are miserable because they live in constant fear not only of what they must do, must pay, but that failure or whim could expose them anyway.

The internet allows us to be exposed to fetishes we would never dreamed of before. We can discard them or be captivated by them. These are not news reports or documentaries. We could fantasize about killing an annoying co-worker and know we would never act on it. If the fetish draws you, explore it. If the fetish is extreme, do not go so far you cannot get out. How many times has a dish looked tempting, and you spit it out? A fun time turn into a drudgery? 

In the positive, easing your way into a new fetish extends the experience. You have so much more to remember and revel in. Not simply the fetish, but each step of the way a new fascination. 

If the extreme is for you, it’s for you. If it is not, do know it. 

Whine of a training sub during a pandemic

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The pandemic has caused a lot of disruption. Here is a post and response on this topic, here with permission

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I quite recently became a slave trainee, I have a normally complicated situation, I am bi and married and a family man. I disclosed as much as I knew and what I thought of myself to my wife (before we started dating that is), I don't usually think that hiding is a good strategy in general. She said she understood and that she would have been OK if every now and then I might have had the need to explore and/or enjoy some activities with males.

As stated, I recently started training as a sub, Master knows everything about my situation and He is a generous and incredible mentor. I started during the pandemic. Things are getting difficult, no privacy, no traveling, no real outlet for a side of me that by now deeply needs some care and escape. We are all learning how a pandemic truly impacts everyday life, and especially how this affects "extras".

I found myself in need to vent, I am not a sub through and through, I am actually a switch, I do not bottom and I particularly enjoy in real life to dominate men. So I had to do something, I thought it was not the place of a sub to be whiny and bother his Master but He also has a mentoring role and He cares for his property. So I wrote to Him, I kept it short, I hoped it would not have bothered Him. It was the whine of a not so committed to a particular predicament sub in training, I worded how I so need to physically serve Master, be used by Him, be trained, be spoiled or punished, be unleashed or tied and left to beg, be shown or told to please Master's "friends" ... This situation really feels like being caged and denied of pleasure...it's getting to me.

It did some good, I felt better, I felt a tiny bit less caged. I wonder how subs and masters feel about my action, do they approve of it? Do they despise this self-serving moment? I am new and I find so many interesting subjects to ponder on and think about. It would be great to be able to discuss this with others, see their perspectives.

End of this nonsense… PandemicsPandemics sucks!

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The response:

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If you cannot whine to your Master, who can you whine to? Not being there for a sub in need means the man is no Master. I know your Master responded positively, telling you he understood and was there or you. Including the phrase "If I cannot support you, you cannot serve me." This is a truism. When the sub is in need, the Master must do all he can to bolster the sub.

It is difficult with your family, work, and the world pandemic. I know never once have you been far from your Master's mind. With every day he wishes to see you kneeling at his feet. To stimulate your intellect, as you stimulate his.

Not merely with the desires for submission, but in all your life, you Master will do all he can for you, to comfort you in difficulty, to encourage you to success.

This is not nonsense. It is difficult for so many of us. Lives and nations in confusion. Lean on your Master, he will always be there for you. Today, his hand is metaphorically on your head. When possible, it will be there for real.

I can speak with a specific authority here. Not simply as a Dom, but as the Master of this submissive. 

Use and Abuse in Language

 “Come over, I want to use you”

“I am so going to abuse you tonight”

Say these to your sub and he will become excited. The power exchanges/bdsm dynamic uses the words “use” and “abuse” in titillation. There is no more wrong with this than calling your friend a “lunkhead” or “motherfucker”. Insults between friends show the strength of the connection, that disparaging remarks are not taken with malice. 

“Use you” and “Abuse you” in a Dom/sub context exhibit the power exchanged, that the Dom will do physically what he has done verbally. “Use” and “Abuse” are common terms for the sexual and kink related activities where the sub will take what the Dom dishes out. This is the thrill of both of them, a form of foreplay. The words are expressed and taken in a positive manner since that is the nature of the relationship. 

From a linguistic angle, there is a difficulty here. I’m not speaking of someone overhearing and taking the words at face value, but of how to relay when actual harm is intended or done. Saying “That sub got abused last night” could mean the sub had a fantastic time he wished would never end, or it could mean he was exploited and should be contacting the authorities. From the words alone, we cannot tell. Context is needed. 

This is not a unique situation in English. “Cleave” needs a modifier so one can know if it is to adhere or separate. The prevalence of “Use” and “Abuse” and their synonyms for the mutually enjoyable activities Doms and subs engage in means that where in standard or vanilla English they are negative, they are positive in the D/s realm. As in other arenas where common terms have alternative (often radically alternative) meanings, D/s know that unless the negative meaning is expressly indicated, it is the positive, in context meaning. 

When the general English definitions are indicated, it is a matter of more weight than when used in general English. A sub who has been abused in the wrong way has willingly gone into a situation of possible danger and had that danger realized. Because some level of positive abuse is expected, it is linguistically more difficult to relay that actual harm has occurred. D/s practitioners have to overcome in their minds the positive attributions of the terms. Like so much emphasis, this is done with more words. 

Many subcultures and organizations co-op common words for their own needs. It’s a normal part of subculture and language. Often the terms can be misunderstood by those not involved who have no basis to know the specialized meaning. For those who do understand the specialized meanings, more effort is needed to express that the specialized one is not meant. 

Your Internal motivation becomes his external motivation

 Your internal motivation becomes an external motivation of your partner. When a sub has that great energy of service, when he really gets into the session, that energy in the sub bleeds over to the Dom. Seeing the enthusiasm, feeling it, spurs the Dom to new heights. 

It flows the other way as well. A Dom excited to see a sub will encourage the sub to greater submission. This greater submission does not have to be pushing limits or tolerances, but the even better mental submission to be in the place they should be. 

BDSM scenes are partnerships, both parties participate to the ultimate end. Both need to be engaged. The more engaged, the better not just for yourself, but the sub you are working with. Or the Dom, if you happen to be the sub. 

Performers, public speakers, and others learn to read the mood of a room in order to be successful. An obvious example is a comedian in a club. If a few jokes about current events fall flat, he will switch to perhaps dating. Continuing on a line that the audience is not appreciating will not let him keep that gig. And as the audience responds in a positive manner, the delivery gets better. This is true of all forms of human interaction. 

If you enter a room and see someone crying in sadness, your mood changes. Your mood can change as you discover a partner stressed. How you react is a response to them and how you are feeling. If you are also sad, you two could have a pity party. If you are elated, you can bring up their mood. 

Having a sub come for a session and simply tying him up and delivering a few smacks to his butt while thinking of the roast you have in the oven will make the entire scene feel flat. He will know you are distracted. It will sap his interest. This is different from being aloof as part of the scene. Scene-aloof is still engaged, it is a veneer of separation while being fully involved. Being distracted sucks the energy from both of you. 

A Dom in a neutral mood faced with a sub all but jumping in anticipation will be more driven. A sub approaching a session and seeing a wicked smile on his Dom’s face presaging untold experiences will have that combination of excitement and dread grow. 

What is true for a scene is true for a lifestyle. A sub could have a bad day at work, so his Dom may need to hold him, or spank him, depending on what the sub needs and will be cathartic for the sub. A sub would have to adjust what he is expecting based on the mood of his Dom as well. The motivation of the one to improve the mood of the other will have an effect. May not be a complete change, but an effect nonetheless. 

How your partner is anticipating and experiencing the scene will not be your entire motivation, but it will be a motivator. The mood motivation can be positive or negative, and it is incumbent on both sides to recognize and adjust with it. How you start out will make it to your partner, your passing time will make it to your partner. Good or bad, these are intimate times, there are few barriers in place, so what you feel is more open and you are more receptive. 

The Dom is the Key

 There are so many kinks to explore, it’s truly amazing. One thing can make or break any kink, especially one you are just exploring: the Dom. A Dom who knows his way around the kink and can introduce the sub to it rationally is so important. For bondage or pain, this means the sub is taken care of and not in any danger. 

Let’s look at a kink that can go well, or horribly based on how the Dom manages the sub: financial domination. If done properly, the sub gives up extra funds, money that would have gone to coffees, entertainment, but not money for bills. The sub can still put aside for savings at a sensible rate. What the sub is out is stuff he does not need. Add in budgeting advice, and the sub has a great set of new lessons to learn. 

The Dom also benefits, as he gets “free money” to use as he sees fit, and has the submission he deserves. 

If FinDom is new for the sub, this ethical FinDom makes is something the sub can continue to enjoy for years to come. It’s a positive, growing experience. If the Dom causes serious financial hardship, other hardships will result, pushing the sub from that experience and possibly more. 

Not every kink will match every sub. That’s a given. You would be hard pressed to find a sub into everything. Introducing the sub properly, so the initial experiences are positive will make it better for everyone. 

The same is true with any other kink: pain, bondage, ABDL, and so on. Many subs are willing to try a kink they have little or no interest in for their Doms, and how we as Doms guide them there will help develop their interest. The early stages need to be much more about enticing the sub and providing him a sense of safety so he will come back. A sub that embraces a kink is better than one that merely tolerates it under orders. 

A Dom may have the skills when exploration starts, or may need to learn them. If the Dom needs to learn, tell the sub. A sub will presume the Dom knows what he’s doing as part of his mindset. Warning that the Dom is learning means the sub will be alert to problems. It will also increase the trust the sub has for the Dom, since the Dom is being open and honest. 

This is one area a sub can take the lead. If the sub is familiar with a kink the Dom is not, the sub can be an invaluable teacher, able to relay what is happening, to provide reactions good and bad. Good partners can explore together.

What if the Dom doesn't attract service?

 In relationships, something attracts the partners. In Dom/sub, a component is the type of service a sub provides. Another component is how and what service the Dom wants. A Dom wants his feet licked, a sub likes to lick feet, there is a match. At least on the what. Another part of this is the how. Do the Dom and sub match in style? Some Doms are very demanding, giving rough orders and the sub revel in that. Others are more Daddy like and express a desire for the sub to fill. 

Some subs get turned on by a text “Get over here and service my feet NOW”. Others get turned on by “I had a long day at work boy. Could sure use your tongue between my toes.” Subs are to serve, does it really matter? It does. Subs serve by choice at the start of it all. Just like in any relationship, they may be attracted to physical appearance or aura, but that is only the start. Like waking up from a one night stand (or finishing a scene) both sides have to show if they can continue to be together. It will take a bit, how does the other respond to harsh commands or take reluctance?

Subs come in ranges from full obedience to brat, a Dom can decide if he wants to deal with whatever level of resistance to orders the sub has. But the sub also has to decide if he can take how the orders are delivered. For a sub needing affirmation and support, a cruel Dom who issues rough commands will not work. The sub will lose his desire to serve. For a sub needing strict commands, the opposite is true. 

Some of this can be handled in the negotiations at the start, as initial contact has established mutual interest. How things progress will tell each one if the other actually does as indicated. Subs will obey orders because they are orders for a period of time to see how it feels with a Dom. If the sub does not get the fulfillment they need, they will move on. It’s different for a sub than how a Dom feels, even different from pure sexual release. If it’s feeling good for providing service, or humiliation at what he has been made to do, whatever drives that sub needs to be in place for him to continue. 

So what if the Dom does not provide the style of command that drives the sub? The sub may continue so he has orders, but will always be looking for a Dom that gives him a “service-boner”, one that he obeys not just the order, but the man. 

Having a style that motivates the sub brings better service. The more the Dom and sub are aligned, the better. So what if the style of the Dom does not match what the sub craves? Is it the subs fault? I don’t think so. Such motivation is hard to train into a sub, if that is at all possible. It’s not like a preference for a food or activity, it’s an inborn drive to serve, and how that service is brought out. The sub is not in control of this, and if a Dom cannot give the sub that, it is the Dom that needs to change if he wants to keep that sub. Subs will often do their best to accommodate the style of a Dom they serve, but if the gap is too wide, the Dom is the one that needs to change. Change is in the hands of the Dom, and where he can train the sub in new things, if the Dom’s style of motivation is not doing it, the Dom is the one to change. 

So what if the Dom cannot attract or retain subs? Yes, in some regards it is the sub who is at fault. Some subs are flaky; start to serve and ghost, or do not live up to their commitments. But that is only a percentage (don’t ask me what that percentage is, I have no idea). There are real subs out there, and they search until they find a Dom. If a Dom is not able to attract and retain subs, it is up to the Dom to determine what he should do differently if he is unsatisfied with things. A sub really should not submit to a Dom because he pities the Dom not being able to find a sub. Like the commands he issues, how a Dom leads is under the dominion of the Dom. 

Some subs will give feedback. I find that very valuable. It may be feedback for that particular sub, or it can be feedback for submissives as a whole. A Dom can choose if he listens to what feedback is offered, and chooses to act on it or not. But this is something not all subs can do, and many Doms do not want to listen. That is on the Dom. 

He doesn't say it, but it's a limit

Subs want to please, for many revealing their limits are problematic as they want to do everything you want. It is important to have a discussion of limits and to allow the sub to tell you. At the beginning it is most important to leave the limits in place. Take time to get to know the sub so you can make educated pushes to his limits. 

Many limits are expected; blood, scat, illegal activity. The sub will tell you the others he has. Some he will not tell you. You need to listen to all the things the sub says, because it may reveal limits the sub does not want to tell you, and may not realize he even has. 

He will naturally give you the ones he knows, but listen to them, and what else he talks about to see if there are unspoken limits. Test him, see how he reacts to discover more. It is possible the sub has limits you can discover and bring to his awareness. One important point here is the sub may not recognize or accept them as limits, but their behaviour and reactions are more important than their words.

One sub I know is excited to have his clothes picked out, what got shaved, how his hair is styled, if he gets tattooed or pierced. Even how he works out, his entire body is a canvass for his Master. Only it’s not. When pressed, he revealed deep seated objections to destroying his nice clothes, felt uncomfortable with some of the shaving ordered. Yes, he offered them up and accepted how he was told to do things, but it was a battle deep in his head. Some bothered him greatly. In the long term slavery he has been in for a while now, he finally had to confess his change of limits to his Dom. These things meant something to him. He’d gladly dress in cheap or scruffy clothes when ordered, but when going to work or out on (non sub) social engagements, his appearance mattered to him. 

Yes, some of it was vanity, pure and simple. His submission was so great his Dom saw no need to take this from him. In the sub’s mind, it is attached to the “see what I do for my Dom” pride. It was “see what my Dom can own”. Having met the sub, it was a positive influence in his life.

The sub actually had deep seated reservations for body modifications. He was motivated to claim they were his Master’s to do or not do, but the reality is he would have felt scarred, abused, mistreated. He would have struggled accepting the tattoo because he had tricked his own mind into believing his Master had to right to do it. Yes, many Master claim and exercise such a right. 

The Dom later revealed to me it was fortunate he discovered this part of his sub. He had been considering ordering a tattoo. Where the sub was proud of the welts he was able to take, he also wanted to have good skin to please his Dom. Still vanity, but rightly placed, he wanted to show the world the price his Dom had. 

These indicators show that where the sub thinks he would accept body modifications, he was actually unhappy about the prospect. His desire to fulfill his Dom’s wishes was so great, it overwhelmed his ability to see his inability to take permanent changes. It can be a submissive fantasy, a lack of comprehension of the full effects, a lack of total realization of what the sub values. Subs are torn between the desire to please and what they will accept. Often, they attempt to negotiate with themselves they can live with it, do it if their Dom wants. It takes a observant Dom to recognize not just the words, but all the meaning behind the words. 

Dom Consent

 Consent is vital to any Dom/sub encounter. The sub chooses who he submits to, and what activities will be part of that time. The sub has the complete right to withdraw consent during the scene as well. So does the Dom. 

Dom consent is not discussed much. One reason is that as the active and planning partner, the Dom choses the activities and will generally choose those that please him. It is more a case of selecting activities than prohibiting them. The act of consent is agreeing to a particular activity. When the Dom initiates the activity, consent is strongly implied. A sub may not expect the activity, and have a general consent that he can withdraw. This blog post will be discussing a Dom’s consent, not how or to what extent a sub would consent. 

The first consent a Dom makes is agreeing to activities with the sub, the same can be said of the sub. This is equal on both sides. During the negotiations, various possible activities will be mooted for the sub to consider if he accepts. During this time, both sides could bring up proposed activities, consent being implied for their proposals. The most common result is the Dom would propose something the sub does not agree to, and therefore does not consent to. The sub can propose activities a Dom is not interested in. Declining them indicates a lack of consent on the Dom’s part. 

In parallel to a Dom suggesting an extension of limits, the sub can suggest the Dom extend his limits as well. Requesting a sub extend his limits should always be done with great care, as the sub has a natural desire to please the Dom he is with. Some of a similar desire exists with the Dom, who will want a successful scene, and a return of the sub in the future. So the Dom may consent to an activity he does not enjoy for the sub. Subs accept activities they may not want to do as part of a BDSM scene, expecting some to be of personal thrill. To cooperate with the sub, the Dom will engage in some he does not care for. 

Where a Dom should be very reluctant to push a sub past limits, I feel the sub can exert more pressure on the Dom than he receives. The very nature of a Dom is to be more prepared to resist than a sub. Doms are expected to exert authority, and resist pressure when applied. A resistance that is often not available in subs. Having agreed to an activity, the Dom has a greater expectation to perform the act to completion where a sub may safe word out of an extended action. 

One of the forms of consent a Dom exercises is the level of intensity. If the activities are mutually acceptable, the sub may want a level of intensity the Dom is not prepared to deliver. The Dom may consent to a more intense level. This is a choice the Dom makes. A Dom may withdraw his consent to continue if he feels the sub it pushing past safe limits, or becomes unwise for the sub.

Another factor to consider is the relative experience levels of the Dom and sub. A Dom teaching a new sub could push that sub to accept things the sub would not, perhaps in the name of experiencing to see if he likes it or not. If the sub is the more experienced one, he may instruct the Dom to acts the Dom is not prepared for or completely willing to perform for the same reason. As the negative physical effects would be on the sub, the Dom has limited risk. Mental discomfort could be the result for the Dom not able to adequately evaluate his expected reaction to making a sub do something. The more knowledge and experience a Dom has, the better he can actually predict how he will deal with a new experience. 

Should a Dom withdraw consent, from an individual activity or the scene as a whole, I think he should offer some explanation as to why. The sub should if they withdraw consent as well. It may be personal taste, it could be safety. Whatever the reason, communicating it will tell the partner so future encounters can be more successful.

When consent is discussed, it is usually (overwhelmingly so) centered on the sub. That is indeed where the main focus should be. The general natures of Doms and subs require more care be taken to protect the sub, there is greater risk to the sub. “Consent” when discussed and unqualified is “the consent of the sub”, and the meaning is quite clear. Does the submissive partner allow an activity to happen or continue? The concept of a Dom consenting is less defined in the general mind. It exists, but does not enter the conversation as much. 

My consent article

Meeting Risk

 This is a guest post by my slave Christopher. 

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About five weeks ago, this slave was duped by “Sir Sender”. This slave posted its journey with “Sir Sender” from His first private message through to His not showing for the meeting He requested. He has not contacted this slave since. The experience deeply hurt this slave.

This slave decided to process this experience by revisiting its journey with “Sir Sender” and sharing some “warning signs” that it had ignored on FetLife. This slave doesn’t know how many times it started this essay but ended up scrapping the draft and starting over.

When it included everything that might have been a warning, the writing was too long. Besides, there are hundreds of those lists out there. When it tried the boiling the experience down, it got to the single statement, “Be skeptical of anything on social media.” But that was neither a correct statement nor is it what this slave needed to say.

The problem is not with social media. The problem is not in the Master/slave dynamic. The problem is rushing into situations, making assumptions along the way, and not communicating. (At least this slave knew that communication was a problem with “Sir Sender” and wanted to talk about this at the first meeting.) These problems happen in all kinds of relationships. It is not peculiar to FetLife, BDSM, TPE, Master/slave or what have you.

“Warning signs” are found in all forms of human relationships, for in every form of human relationship there are bad ones. But there are also good ones – even in those that exhibit “warning signs” culled from a random list. A good relationship is one that satisfies the expectations of the participants – “warning signs” or not.

Some Dominants are nurturing. Others destroy. Some subs thrive with nurturing. Others relish destruction.

Ultimately, one cannot form a relationship without doing a dance, working through what one wants and what one is willing to compromise. There will probably be missteps along the way. Forming a relationship cannot be done in total safety.

The question is not “what are the warning signs?”, but “is it worth the risk?” And if it is worth the risk, one should be prepared to suffer if it doesn’t work out. Certainly this slave had missteps with “Sir Sender” and, instead of recovering, ended up on the floor.

This slave is convinced that, one day, it will find a compatible Master. That makes searching for Him worth the risk. So it will go forward with eyes wide open, working through the warning signs as they pop up, neither ignoring them nor delaying addressing them like it did with “Sir Sender”. Warning signs are part of the dance. They can be handled with grace, either by handing off the dance partner or drawing the dancers closer together. So know when to let go and when to hang on – warning signs or not.

This slave will dance with grace.

The Missing Dom

Meeting someone for a BDSM encounter can take time to arrange. At a bar or party, two guys start face to face. With the internet, you can start a discussion with someone and get to know some things about them before you physically meet. Close or far, the important thing is you have common interests. Having chatted via email, messengers, and possibly voice and video calls. The time arrives for a physical meeting. Even if you have established a great rapport, meeting at a public place is advisable. What if one does not show up? Very frequently, the sub is the no-show. Sometimes however, it’s the Dom. 

With any meeting, there is a chance of a flat tire or an urgent call from work. It’s an easy thing to send a quick text, so the person you’re to meet knows you are delayed. If you arrange to meet someone, it’s polite to keep the appointment. There are times when the Dom is not the one absent when the meeting is to happen. A sub has found the courage to show up. I think it’s harder for a sub, especially a new sub, to go and meet with a man he has never met for the purpose of submitting to him. Doms should have the confidence to be at these meetings. Not being able to meet in a public place can be an indication he is not as prepared to control a sub. 

The Dom is to be in control, of himself, and the sub. From the initial meeting on. It may be the Dom does not exert direct control, but guides the conversation, usually soothing the sub into D/s discussions. Showing the sub that the Dom is someone to be followed. That can only happen if the Dom is there. 

Having bucked up the courage to go to a meeting, if the Dom does not appear, it can be devastating for a sub. So often, the sub could be great; obedient, willing, able to take a lot. A Dom not making an initial meeting can discourage them, take them away and all that service that could be enjoyed is gone. 

The start of time in BDSM is vital. If the person you have picked to introduce you is not there when you come, it can be derailed. If you are a Dom, be there for the sub. Start to guide him. If you are a sub, this can be the beginning of a fantastic new part of your life. Go to the meeting, find a Dom who you can trust and work with. 

 

Quick orders, or fulfilling time, you may have to chose

 When a Dom and sub first come into contact, the temptation to give orders right off is high. The sub wants to show he is willing to take them, and the Dom wants to establish his control. It can be something simple, like fetching a beer. Or they can be more intense such as getting naked. One thing both sides have to consider is if that is the best way to start. 

Orders are part and parsel of the Dom/sub dynamic. Seeing if a sub will obey right off does help establish if it's worth going on. It can work out well. There is no set standard for when you can start giving orders, it has to be based on the sub and his receptiveness. It is also based on if either of you are looking for activities for right then, or if you want to go on for some time. 

Should both of you be looking for a simple few hours, how you get there is how you get there. If you have aspirations, from either side, the focus needs to be not the instant gratification, but on that longer time. Giving or receiving a standard set of orders makes it formulaic. Learn what intregiues each other. Have a conversation, relate what you did and did not like from previous encounters with others. You also learn each other's tastes and interests. How they are individual. 

Knowing the partner you are with makes everything so much better. Is it just exposing bare feet that gets to them? Think of all the exquiste time you miss if you don't know that. Think of the missed opportunities because of barrelling on. BDSM is about drawing closer, and knowing your partner makes all of it much more vivid. 

Regardless of the side of the slash you are on, don't rush to orders. Many Doms like me want to know a sub. I am not an "order factory" I do have orders I like my subs to follow, but I want to know how they will effect the boy, which does make it better for both of us. Otherwise I could post a page here and say "every sub do this". That's not satisfying at all. 

Where many subs are willing to take orders right off, this is not universal by a long shot. Depending on the sub, he may shrug it off or may see it as an over reach of authority. An authority that has not been established. Relative status on one side of the slash does not automatically qualify either for giving or receiving orders. A sub gets to chose who he obeys. He may offer obedience, or a Dom can discern that the sub is ready to take commands. Both are valid, so long as the Dom recognizes he may be mistaken. Which good Doms do. 

Holding back on orders is especially important if you are connecting online. In person, you have visual clues as to the sub's receptiveness. Online, it is more difficult, be more cautious as many Doms or subs do not like starting off with orders. Dialogue is better opened on different topics so you can give or take orders in a way that is more meaningful for you both. 

The Ghost and Mr. Dom

 For a sub, finding a Dom can be a long process. For newer subs, it’s usually complicated by a need to face their submissive nature. Many subs have felt submissive throughout their lives, and taking the step to find a Dom is massive for them. It makes them feel excited at the prospect, and unsure of the future. 

Excitement is common in so many endeavors, when you finally start to do what you have been dreaming. Visions of the perfect match being made right away, someone who checks off everything on your list and more. As time goes on, and this perfect match does not appear, the sub may feel dispirited, reduce their time searching, Matches can be made, and the mutual exploration begun. 

Once in contact with a Dom, the two begin to discuss interests, perhaps orders are given, and the sub starts to see what the Dom is about. Even if there are differences in the kinks, the sub will go along with kinks outside of their own as part of the exploration. This could lead to new interests. Unless the Dom and sub are just not compatible, this is a further awakening for the sub. To be under orders of a Dom is a dream come true. A fulfillment they have never experienced before. It is a truly wonderful time for the sub. Those initial days of submission are special, as they are the first and everything is new. 

Newness wears off, and the euphoria of beginning starts to change into the realization this is how life will be forever. That thought can sustain many subs, keep them going. For others, there is a recoil. Shame fills them. Regret of what they have done. Even if the orders obeyed are fairly simple, the sub’s mind begins to fill with doubt that they should be on this path. No matter how ingrained service is for them, subs go through this to one degree or another. 

The regret may be so strong the sub decides to withdraw, to end his service, and break off contact. This is unfortunate, but all too common. A good Dom would help the sub through this. Be the reassurance the sub needs. Guide the sub through his feelings and show him that the Dom is the one to rely on. Yes, it is work for the Dom, but it is work that comes with being a Dom. If the sub does reach out, it will create a strong, lasting bond between the two. 

I think most of the time the sub does not reach out when regrets start. I don’t know if there is any way of getting actual numbers, but the most common reaction seems to be for the sub to stop responding. They may ignore messages or even delete their account. This is “Ghosting”, leaving the interaction with the other side not knowing what happened. I dislike being ghosted, but I recognize it’s a natural part of dealing with submissives. As they take their first steps, so much can overwhelm them they run back to what they consider safety. Even if that safety leaves them still yearning to serve, Some subs do send a message they are questioning their choices, and are not sure how they will finish. I like this much better. It provides some resolution. This is fairly rare. 

Having stepped back for a time, many subs then look to return. The fulfillment they get outweighs the regrets, and the regrets fade. I think they would fade in all subs if they continued to serve, but when faced with that, the sub does not see it. Once having decided to return to service, the sub is then faced with should they contact the Dom he was with before. I know many Doms will not accept service from a sub that ghosted them. I think this is a mistake. Insecurity is part of a sub’s nature. This withdrawal is that insecurity taking over, and as Doms we have to recognize that subs do not deal with insecurity the same way we do. The sub is living his nature, and that nature is as part of him as his service. There may not even be warning signs, usually there are not. 

I do take subs back after they have ghosted me. I don’t punish them or get angry. I welcome them back. This shows the sub that they can rely on me and trust me. That I know what they are going through. That I understand their needs and their fears. I try to tell the sub before it happens, that I will still be around when (if) they go away, but with a new sub you do not know, it’s very difficult to tell when this will happen. Telling them you will wait if they withdraw can even shake their confidence prematurely. Each sub is different, you can’t use a standard schedule. 

Welcoming the sub back does show the sub they have made the right choice, to serve and to continue to serve. Returning takes more effort than the first time, because the sub sees the withdrawal as a failure. Makes the sub gun-shy. And the Dom accepting him back is a greater high in some ways then the first time. 

Where ghosting is an internet term, the process is certainly not limited to online. If contact with the sub has been physical, even a public meeting to get acquainted, the sub can still ghost, even having a service of some form is no guarantee the sub will not disappear. 

For Doms, I recommend remembering that a newbie sub is not a veteren of many years and sessions, knowledgeable of his limits and abilities. For subs, there are welcoming Doms who will understand your struggles. Try the one you were with and ghosted. Ask to restart, if he is not interested, find another. You will be able to live your dream, you will have the fulfillment of what has been in you the entire time.