A sub wants to obey, so they start with “Yes”. A Dom does the opposite. Any idea, if the Dom comes up with it on his own, reads about, even if the sub approaches him, the Dom should start with “No”. A sub uses a safe word to signal a true “No”, within limits, any order should be met with a “Yes” otherwise. Doms need to examine any idea from the default position that it should not be done.
Starting from not allowing the action, the Dom can now look to see if the activity is or can be made safe. Can the sub do it without damage to the sub’s psyche? Can the sub do it without jeopardizing family/friends/work? If so, will the sub have lingering effects? Sub can follow commands that might require recovery time.
Consider a task of keeping the sub up for an extended period of time, more than 24 hours. Keeping the sub up all night would prevent the sub from performing at their employment. So the “No” comes from timing. It would be possible to keep the sub up all night when there is time for the sub to recover and not trouble their job. So it is really a “Not Now”.
Starting from “No” is an exercise that builds safety and security into letting the action happen. Beginning with all the reasons something cannot be done, and finding how to permit each one insures it will go better.
I’m not suggesting that every little thing needs to have a lengthy evaluation, having the mindset there could be a problem increases the safety factor.
If the sub has a suggestion, if it’s simple, you can quickly run through it and agree. If it’s more complex, step back and say you will consider it. Go over everything away from the heat of action. Keep the decision making process and high emotion separate.
Be safe, keep your sub safe. Enjoy each other much longer.
