What if the Dom doesn't attract service?

 In relationships, something attracts the partners. In Dom/sub, a component is the type of service a sub provides. Another component is how and what service the Dom wants. A Dom wants his feet licked, a sub likes to lick feet, there is a match. At least on the what. Another part of this is the how. Do the Dom and sub match in style? Some Doms are very demanding, giving rough orders and the sub revel in that. Others are more Daddy like and express a desire for the sub to fill. 

Some subs get turned on by a text “Get over here and service my feet NOW”. Others get turned on by “I had a long day at work boy. Could sure use your tongue between my toes.” Subs are to serve, does it really matter? It does. Subs serve by choice at the start of it all. Just like in any relationship, they may be attracted to physical appearance or aura, but that is only the start. Like waking up from a one night stand (or finishing a scene) both sides have to show if they can continue to be together. It will take a bit, how does the other respond to harsh commands or take reluctance?

Subs come in ranges from full obedience to brat, a Dom can decide if he wants to deal with whatever level of resistance to orders the sub has. But the sub also has to decide if he can take how the orders are delivered. For a sub needing affirmation and support, a cruel Dom who issues rough commands will not work. The sub will lose his desire to serve. For a sub needing strict commands, the opposite is true. 

Some of this can be handled in the negotiations at the start, as initial contact has established mutual interest. How things progress will tell each one if the other actually does as indicated. Subs will obey orders because they are orders for a period of time to see how it feels with a Dom. If the sub does not get the fulfillment they need, they will move on. It’s different for a sub than how a Dom feels, even different from pure sexual release. If it’s feeling good for providing service, or humiliation at what he has been made to do, whatever drives that sub needs to be in place for him to continue. 

So what if the Dom does not provide the style of command that drives the sub? The sub may continue so he has orders, but will always be looking for a Dom that gives him a “service-boner”, one that he obeys not just the order, but the man. 

Having a style that motivates the sub brings better service. The more the Dom and sub are aligned, the better. So what if the style of the Dom does not match what the sub craves? Is it the subs fault? I don’t think so. Such motivation is hard to train into a sub, if that is at all possible. It’s not like a preference for a food or activity, it’s an inborn drive to serve, and how that service is brought out. The sub is not in control of this, and if a Dom cannot give the sub that, it is the Dom that needs to change if he wants to keep that sub. Subs will often do their best to accommodate the style of a Dom they serve, but if the gap is too wide, the Dom is the one that needs to change. Change is in the hands of the Dom, and where he can train the sub in new things, if the Dom’s style of motivation is not doing it, the Dom is the one to change. 

So what if the Dom cannot attract or retain subs? Yes, in some regards it is the sub who is at fault. Some subs are flaky; start to serve and ghost, or do not live up to their commitments. But that is only a percentage (don’t ask me what that percentage is, I have no idea). There are real subs out there, and they search until they find a Dom. If a Dom is not able to attract and retain subs, it is up to the Dom to determine what he should do differently if he is unsatisfied with things. A sub really should not submit to a Dom because he pities the Dom not being able to find a sub. Like the commands he issues, how a Dom leads is under the dominion of the Dom. 

Some subs will give feedback. I find that very valuable. It may be feedback for that particular sub, or it can be feedback for submissives as a whole. A Dom can choose if he listens to what feedback is offered, and chooses to act on it or not. But this is something not all subs can do, and many Doms do not want to listen. That is on the Dom. 

He doesn't say it, but it's a limit

Subs want to please, for many revealing their limits are problematic as they want to do everything you want. It is important to have a discussion of limits and to allow the sub to tell you. At the beginning it is most important to leave the limits in place. Take time to get to know the sub so you can make educated pushes to his limits. 

Many limits are expected; blood, scat, illegal activity. The sub will tell you the others he has. Some he will not tell you. You need to listen to all the things the sub says, because it may reveal limits the sub does not want to tell you, and may not realize he even has. 

He will naturally give you the ones he knows, but listen to them, and what else he talks about to see if there are unspoken limits. Test him, see how he reacts to discover more. It is possible the sub has limits you can discover and bring to his awareness. One important point here is the sub may not recognize or accept them as limits, but their behaviour and reactions are more important than their words.

One sub I know is excited to have his clothes picked out, what got shaved, how his hair is styled, if he gets tattooed or pierced. Even how he works out, his entire body is a canvass for his Master. Only it’s not. When pressed, he revealed deep seated objections to destroying his nice clothes, felt uncomfortable with some of the shaving ordered. Yes, he offered them up and accepted how he was told to do things, but it was a battle deep in his head. Some bothered him greatly. In the long term slavery he has been in for a while now, he finally had to confess his change of limits to his Dom. These things meant something to him. He’d gladly dress in cheap or scruffy clothes when ordered, but when going to work or out on (non sub) social engagements, his appearance mattered to him. 

Yes, some of it was vanity, pure and simple. His submission was so great his Dom saw no need to take this from him. In the sub’s mind, it is attached to the “see what I do for my Dom” pride. It was “see what my Dom can own”. Having met the sub, it was a positive influence in his life.

The sub actually had deep seated reservations for body modifications. He was motivated to claim they were his Master’s to do or not do, but the reality is he would have felt scarred, abused, mistreated. He would have struggled accepting the tattoo because he had tricked his own mind into believing his Master had to right to do it. Yes, many Master claim and exercise such a right. 

The Dom later revealed to me it was fortunate he discovered this part of his sub. He had been considering ordering a tattoo. Where the sub was proud of the welts he was able to take, he also wanted to have good skin to please his Dom. Still vanity, but rightly placed, he wanted to show the world the price his Dom had. 

These indicators show that where the sub thinks he would accept body modifications, he was actually unhappy about the prospect. His desire to fulfill his Dom’s wishes was so great, it overwhelmed his ability to see his inability to take permanent changes. It can be a submissive fantasy, a lack of comprehension of the full effects, a lack of total realization of what the sub values. Subs are torn between the desire to please and what they will accept. Often, they attempt to negotiate with themselves they can live with it, do it if their Dom wants. It takes a observant Dom to recognize not just the words, but all the meaning behind the words. 

Dom Consent

 Consent is vital to any Dom/sub encounter. The sub chooses who he submits to, and what activities will be part of that time. The sub has the complete right to withdraw consent during the scene as well. So does the Dom. 

Dom consent is not discussed much. One reason is that as the active and planning partner, the Dom choses the activities and will generally choose those that please him. It is more a case of selecting activities than prohibiting them. The act of consent is agreeing to a particular activity. When the Dom initiates the activity, consent is strongly implied. A sub may not expect the activity, and have a general consent that he can withdraw. This blog post will be discussing a Dom’s consent, not how or to what extent a sub would consent. 

The first consent a Dom makes is agreeing to activities with the sub, the same can be said of the sub. This is equal on both sides. During the negotiations, various possible activities will be mooted for the sub to consider if he accepts. During this time, both sides could bring up proposed activities, consent being implied for their proposals. The most common result is the Dom would propose something the sub does not agree to, and therefore does not consent to. The sub can propose activities a Dom is not interested in. Declining them indicates a lack of consent on the Dom’s part. 

In parallel to a Dom suggesting an extension of limits, the sub can suggest the Dom extend his limits as well. Requesting a sub extend his limits should always be done with great care, as the sub has a natural desire to please the Dom he is with. Some of a similar desire exists with the Dom, who will want a successful scene, and a return of the sub in the future. So the Dom may consent to an activity he does not enjoy for the sub. Subs accept activities they may not want to do as part of a BDSM scene, expecting some to be of personal thrill. To cooperate with the sub, the Dom will engage in some he does not care for. 

Where a Dom should be very reluctant to push a sub past limits, I feel the sub can exert more pressure on the Dom than he receives. The very nature of a Dom is to be more prepared to resist than a sub. Doms are expected to exert authority, and resist pressure when applied. A resistance that is often not available in subs. Having agreed to an activity, the Dom has a greater expectation to perform the act to completion where a sub may safe word out of an extended action. 

One of the forms of consent a Dom exercises is the level of intensity. If the activities are mutually acceptable, the sub may want a level of intensity the Dom is not prepared to deliver. The Dom may consent to a more intense level. This is a choice the Dom makes. A Dom may withdraw his consent to continue if he feels the sub it pushing past safe limits, or becomes unwise for the sub.

Another factor to consider is the relative experience levels of the Dom and sub. A Dom teaching a new sub could push that sub to accept things the sub would not, perhaps in the name of experiencing to see if he likes it or not. If the sub is the more experienced one, he may instruct the Dom to acts the Dom is not prepared for or completely willing to perform for the same reason. As the negative physical effects would be on the sub, the Dom has limited risk. Mental discomfort could be the result for the Dom not able to adequately evaluate his expected reaction to making a sub do something. The more knowledge and experience a Dom has, the better he can actually predict how he will deal with a new experience. 

Should a Dom withdraw consent, from an individual activity or the scene as a whole, I think he should offer some explanation as to why. The sub should if they withdraw consent as well. It may be personal taste, it could be safety. Whatever the reason, communicating it will tell the partner so future encounters can be more successful.

When consent is discussed, it is usually (overwhelmingly so) centered on the sub. That is indeed where the main focus should be. The general natures of Doms and subs require more care be taken to protect the sub, there is greater risk to the sub. “Consent” when discussed and unqualified is “the consent of the sub”, and the meaning is quite clear. Does the submissive partner allow an activity to happen or continue? The concept of a Dom consenting is less defined in the general mind. It exists, but does not enter the conversation as much. 

My consent article