Consent is vital to any Dom/sub encounter. The sub chooses who he submits to, and what activities will be part of that time. The sub has the complete right to withdraw consent during the scene as well. So does the Dom.
Dom consent is not discussed much. One reason is that as the active and planning partner, the Dom choses the activities and will generally choose those that please him. It is more a case of selecting activities than prohibiting them. The act of consent is agreeing to a particular activity. When the Dom initiates the activity, consent is strongly implied. A sub may not expect the activity, and have a general consent that he can withdraw. This blog post will be discussing a Dom’s consent, not how or to what extent a sub would consent.
The first consent a Dom makes is agreeing to activities with the sub, the same can be said of the sub. This is equal on both sides. During the negotiations, various possible activities will be mooted for the sub to consider if he accepts. During this time, both sides could bring up proposed activities, consent being implied for their proposals. The most common result is the Dom would propose something the sub does not agree to, and therefore does not consent to. The sub can propose activities a Dom is not interested in. Declining them indicates a lack of consent on the Dom’s part.
In parallel to a Dom suggesting an extension of limits, the sub can suggest the Dom extend his limits as well. Requesting a sub extend his limits should always be done with great care, as the sub has a natural desire to please the Dom he is with. Some of a similar desire exists with the Dom, who will want a successful scene, and a return of the sub in the future. So the Dom may consent to an activity he does not enjoy for the sub. Subs accept activities they may not want to do as part of a BDSM scene, expecting some to be of personal thrill. To cooperate with the sub, the Dom will engage in some he does not care for.
Where a Dom should be very reluctant to push a sub past limits, I feel the sub can exert more pressure on the Dom than he receives. The very nature of a Dom is to be more prepared to resist than a sub. Doms are expected to exert authority, and resist pressure when applied. A resistance that is often not available in subs. Having agreed to an activity, the Dom has a greater expectation to perform the act to completion where a sub may safe word out of an extended action.
One of the forms of consent a Dom exercises is the level of intensity. If the activities are mutually acceptable, the sub may want a level of intensity the Dom is not prepared to deliver. The Dom may consent to a more intense level. This is a choice the Dom makes. A Dom may withdraw his consent to continue if he feels the sub it pushing past safe limits, or becomes unwise for the sub.
Another factor to consider is the relative experience levels of the Dom and sub. A Dom teaching a new sub could push that sub to accept things the sub would not, perhaps in the name of experiencing to see if he likes it or not. If the sub is the more experienced one, he may instruct the Dom to acts the Dom is not prepared for or completely willing to perform for the same reason. As the negative physical effects would be on the sub, the Dom has limited risk. Mental discomfort could be the result for the Dom not able to adequately evaluate his expected reaction to making a sub do something. The more knowledge and experience a Dom has, the better he can actually predict how he will deal with a new experience.
Should a Dom withdraw consent, from an individual activity or the scene as a whole, I think he should offer some explanation as to why. The sub should if they withdraw consent as well. It may be personal taste, it could be safety. Whatever the reason, communicating it will tell the partner so future encounters can be more successful.
When consent is discussed, it is usually (overwhelmingly so) centered on the sub. That is indeed where the main focus should be. The general natures of Doms and subs require more care be taken to protect the sub, there is greater risk to the sub. “Consent” when discussed and unqualified is “the consent of the sub”, and the meaning is quite clear. Does the submissive partner allow an activity to happen or continue? The concept of a Dom consenting is less defined in the general mind. It exists, but does not enter the conversation as much.
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