New Article: Gay FinDom

 I am very proud to be published on sadosam.com. Not only my fiction, but articles I have written. My most recent article on gay FinDom was published this morning: FinDom & PayPig: Your Service and Your Money

Financial Domination is a kink many people to not get into, even disparage. There are good reasons to it to do so. But there is a community growing, a community that supports each other and are establishing rules for FinDom that provide a rational structure as in other kinks. 

Meeting Risk

 This is a guest post by my slave Christopher. 

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About five weeks ago, this slave was duped by “Sir Sender”. This slave posted its journey with “Sir Sender” from His first private message through to His not showing for the meeting He requested. He has not contacted this slave since. The experience deeply hurt this slave.

This slave decided to process this experience by revisiting its journey with “Sir Sender” and sharing some “warning signs” that it had ignored on FetLife. This slave doesn’t know how many times it started this essay but ended up scrapping the draft and starting over.

When it included everything that might have been a warning, the writing was too long. Besides, there are hundreds of those lists out there. When it tried the boiling the experience down, it got to the single statement, “Be skeptical of anything on social media.” But that was neither a correct statement nor is it what this slave needed to say.

The problem is not with social media. The problem is not in the Master/slave dynamic. The problem is rushing into situations, making assumptions along the way, and not communicating. (At least this slave knew that communication was a problem with “Sir Sender” and wanted to talk about this at the first meeting.) These problems happen in all kinds of relationships. It is not peculiar to FetLife, BDSM, TPE, Master/slave or what have you.

“Warning signs” are found in all forms of human relationships, for in every form of human relationship there are bad ones. But there are also good ones – even in those that exhibit “warning signs” culled from a random list. A good relationship is one that satisfies the expectations of the participants – “warning signs” or not.

Some Dominants are nurturing. Others destroy. Some subs thrive with nurturing. Others relish destruction.

Ultimately, one cannot form a relationship without doing a dance, working through what one wants and what one is willing to compromise. There will probably be missteps along the way. Forming a relationship cannot be done in total safety.

The question is not “what are the warning signs?”, but “is it worth the risk?” And if it is worth the risk, one should be prepared to suffer if it doesn’t work out. Certainly this slave had missteps with “Sir Sender” and, instead of recovering, ended up on the floor.

This slave is convinced that, one day, it will find a compatible Master. That makes searching for Him worth the risk. So it will go forward with eyes wide open, working through the warning signs as they pop up, neither ignoring them nor delaying addressing them like it did with “Sir Sender”. Warning signs are part of the dance. They can be handled with grace, either by handing off the dance partner or drawing the dancers closer together. So know when to let go and when to hang on – warning signs or not.

This slave will dance with grace.

The Missing Dom

Meeting someone for a BDSM encounter can take time to arrange. At a bar or party, two guys start face to face. With the internet, you can start a discussion with someone and get to know some things about them before you physically meet. Close or far, the important thing is you have common interests. Having chatted via email, messengers, and possibly voice and video calls. The time arrives for a physical meeting. Even if you have established a great rapport, meeting at a public place is advisable. What if one does not show up? Very frequently, the sub is the no-show. Sometimes however, it’s the Dom. 

With any meeting, there is a chance of a flat tire or an urgent call from work. It’s an easy thing to send a quick text, so the person you’re to meet knows you are delayed. If you arrange to meet someone, it’s polite to keep the appointment. There are times when the Dom is not the one absent when the meeting is to happen. A sub has found the courage to show up. I think it’s harder for a sub, especially a new sub, to go and meet with a man he has never met for the purpose of submitting to him. Doms should have the confidence to be at these meetings. Not being able to meet in a public place can be an indication he is not as prepared to control a sub. 

The Dom is to be in control, of himself, and the sub. From the initial meeting on. It may be the Dom does not exert direct control, but guides the conversation, usually soothing the sub into D/s discussions. Showing the sub that the Dom is someone to be followed. That can only happen if the Dom is there. 

Having bucked up the courage to go to a meeting, if the Dom does not appear, it can be devastating for a sub. So often, the sub could be great; obedient, willing, able to take a lot. A Dom not making an initial meeting can discourage them, take them away and all that service that could be enjoyed is gone. 

The start of time in BDSM is vital. If the person you have picked to introduce you is not there when you come, it can be derailed. If you are a Dom, be there for the sub. Start to guide him. If you are a sub, this can be the beginning of a fantastic new part of your life. Go to the meeting, find a Dom who you can trust and work with. 

 

Quick orders, or fulfilling time, you may have to chose

 When a Dom and sub first come into contact, the temptation to give orders right off is high. The sub wants to show he is willing to take them, and the Dom wants to establish his control. It can be something simple, like fetching a beer. Or they can be more intense such as getting naked. One thing both sides have to consider is if that is the best way to start. 

Orders are part and parsel of the Dom/sub dynamic. Seeing if a sub will obey right off does help establish if it's worth going on. It can work out well. There is no set standard for when you can start giving orders, it has to be based on the sub and his receptiveness. It is also based on if either of you are looking for activities for right then, or if you want to go on for some time. 

Should both of you be looking for a simple few hours, how you get there is how you get there. If you have aspirations, from either side, the focus needs to be not the instant gratification, but on that longer time. Giving or receiving a standard set of orders makes it formulaic. Learn what intregiues each other. Have a conversation, relate what you did and did not like from previous encounters with others. You also learn each other's tastes and interests. How they are individual. 

Knowing the partner you are with makes everything so much better. Is it just exposing bare feet that gets to them? Think of all the exquiste time you miss if you don't know that. Think of the missed opportunities because of barrelling on. BDSM is about drawing closer, and knowing your partner makes all of it much more vivid. 

Regardless of the side of the slash you are on, don't rush to orders. Many Doms like me want to know a sub. I am not an "order factory" I do have orders I like my subs to follow, but I want to know how they will effect the boy, which does make it better for both of us. Otherwise I could post a page here and say "every sub do this". That's not satisfying at all. 

Where many subs are willing to take orders right off, this is not universal by a long shot. Depending on the sub, he may shrug it off or may see it as an over reach of authority. An authority that has not been established. Relative status on one side of the slash does not automatically qualify either for giving or receiving orders. A sub gets to chose who he obeys. He may offer obedience, or a Dom can discern that the sub is ready to take commands. Both are valid, so long as the Dom recognizes he may be mistaken. Which good Doms do. 

Holding back on orders is especially important if you are connecting online. In person, you have visual clues as to the sub's receptiveness. Online, it is more difficult, be more cautious as many Doms or subs do not like starting off with orders. Dialogue is better opened on different topics so you can give or take orders in a way that is more meaningful for you both.