The Ghost and Mr. Dom

 For a sub, finding a Dom can be a long process. For newer subs, it’s usually complicated by a need to face their submissive nature. Many subs have felt submissive throughout their lives, and taking the step to find a Dom is massive for them. It makes them feel excited at the prospect, and unsure of the future. 

Excitement is common in so many endeavors, when you finally start to do what you have been dreaming. Visions of the perfect match being made right away, someone who checks off everything on your list and more. As time goes on, and this perfect match does not appear, the sub may feel dispirited, reduce their time searching, Matches can be made, and the mutual exploration begun. 

Once in contact with a Dom, the two begin to discuss interests, perhaps orders are given, and the sub starts to see what the Dom is about. Even if there are differences in the kinks, the sub will go along with kinks outside of their own as part of the exploration. This could lead to new interests. Unless the Dom and sub are just not compatible, this is a further awakening for the sub. To be under orders of a Dom is a dream come true. A fulfillment they have never experienced before. It is a truly wonderful time for the sub. Those initial days of submission are special, as they are the first and everything is new. 

Newness wears off, and the euphoria of beginning starts to change into the realization this is how life will be forever. That thought can sustain many subs, keep them going. For others, there is a recoil. Shame fills them. Regret of what they have done. Even if the orders obeyed are fairly simple, the sub’s mind begins to fill with doubt that they should be on this path. No matter how ingrained service is for them, subs go through this to one degree or another. 

The regret may be so strong the sub decides to withdraw, to end his service, and break off contact. This is unfortunate, but all too common. A good Dom would help the sub through this. Be the reassurance the sub needs. Guide the sub through his feelings and show him that the Dom is the one to rely on. Yes, it is work for the Dom, but it is work that comes with being a Dom. If the sub does reach out, it will create a strong, lasting bond between the two. 

I think most of the time the sub does not reach out when regrets start. I don’t know if there is any way of getting actual numbers, but the most common reaction seems to be for the sub to stop responding. They may ignore messages or even delete their account. This is “Ghosting”, leaving the interaction with the other side not knowing what happened. I dislike being ghosted, but I recognize it’s a natural part of dealing with submissives. As they take their first steps, so much can overwhelm them they run back to what they consider safety. Even if that safety leaves them still yearning to serve, Some subs do send a message they are questioning their choices, and are not sure how they will finish. I like this much better. It provides some resolution. This is fairly rare. 

Having stepped back for a time, many subs then look to return. The fulfillment they get outweighs the regrets, and the regrets fade. I think they would fade in all subs if they continued to serve, but when faced with that, the sub does not see it. Once having decided to return to service, the sub is then faced with should they contact the Dom he was with before. I know many Doms will not accept service from a sub that ghosted them. I think this is a mistake. Insecurity is part of a sub’s nature. This withdrawal is that insecurity taking over, and as Doms we have to recognize that subs do not deal with insecurity the same way we do. The sub is living his nature, and that nature is as part of him as his service. There may not even be warning signs, usually there are not. 

I do take subs back after they have ghosted me. I don’t punish them or get angry. I welcome them back. This shows the sub that they can rely on me and trust me. That I know what they are going through. That I understand their needs and their fears. I try to tell the sub before it happens, that I will still be around when (if) they go away, but with a new sub you do not know, it’s very difficult to tell when this will happen. Telling them you will wait if they withdraw can even shake their confidence prematurely. Each sub is different, you can’t use a standard schedule. 

Welcoming the sub back does show the sub they have made the right choice, to serve and to continue to serve. Returning takes more effort than the first time, because the sub sees the withdrawal as a failure. Makes the sub gun-shy. And the Dom accepting him back is a greater high in some ways then the first time. 

Where ghosting is an internet term, the process is certainly not limited to online. If contact with the sub has been physical, even a public meeting to get acquainted, the sub can still ghost, even having a service of some form is no guarantee the sub will not disappear. 

For Doms, I recommend remembering that a newbie sub is not a veteren of many years and sessions, knowledgeable of his limits and abilities. For subs, there are welcoming Doms who will understand your struggles. Try the one you were with and ghosted. Ask to restart, if he is not interested, find another. You will be able to live your dream, you will have the fulfillment of what has been in you the entire time. 

In Defense of Online Slavery

 Online Slavery can get a bad rap. I is certainly possible for one or both participants to be faking. But there are positive aspects as well. I have been particularly struck at how deep bonds can be for me personally with subs online. I have been ghosted, I have had subs tell me we are not a match. I've had subs who turned out to be playing a role. 

Yes, it happens. But the true connection does as well. And what I think the greatest advantage in online slavery is the elimination of distance as a factor. Kinksters in small towns can find someone they really fit with. Add to this the time freedom. So many subs cannot make a few hours available if there were someone in their geographic area. Is it perfect? No. But neither is physical slavery or BDSM activities. If you are meeting with a kinkster because he is the only one near you, that is unsatisfying to you. 

I have just had an article published on this topic In Defense of Online Slavery . I was able to get input from several people, includes a few of my own slaves. I am grateful to those who are not my slaves who responded to me on this. Their input certainly made a better article. 

You can check my author page on Sadosoam

Author page: Sadosam

 Sadosam is a website with a lot of educational articles for the gay BDSM life. I have been interviewed and contributed the first of what should be several articles. I have a number of stories published there.

Today they have debuted an artist page for me, the first they have done for a writer. 

Here is the announcement of the archive

Here is a direct link to my archive page

Read and enjoy

Dom lessons from Tarzan

I’ve been reading the Tarzan novels on and off for a while. Today I came across a section with an interesting lesson for Dom. I doubt Edgar Rice Burroughs had the Dom/sub world in mind, but it fits quite well. This is from “Tarzan, Lord of the Jungle”, Chapter V “The Tarmangani”. This portion tells of a couple on safari with a number of locals carrying bags and all. Both are Americans and rich. One, Wilbur Stimbol is shooting with a gun, his companion James Blake is using a camera. 

Wilbur has angered Tarzan and been ordered to leave the jungle. Back at the camp Wilbur and Blake have agreed to split up, each taking half the men and provisions. Discussing how they will split the men, Wilbur claims to Blake he’ll be sure Blake has enough, to trust him. Blake has his doubts, as Wilbur has been mistreating the staff so he does not think many will want to go with Wilbur. Wilbur replies that Blake doesn’t know how to handle them. “They know a fellow who beats them is their master.” Blake says Wilbur talks to them, but not with them. The men are called together and told of the split, and all for those wanting to go with Blake to one side, Wilbur with another. All the men pick Blake. 

I was struck by what seems like a discussion between Doms, concerning subs. Many subs love having a belt or flogger taken to them, but if that is all you do, you inspire nothing in the sub and he will not follow you. Some will, as the staff in the novel do, for a while. The longer you go, just inflicting pain, not listening to them, the less a sub will feel like returning to you. 

Pain is an integral part of many Dom/sub dynamics. There is always something; service, humiliation, pain. The sub craves it. But subs crave more than that. A sub wants to extend the connection he has with the Dom in a session. To look to the Dom for guidance. If you provide to the sub only the obvious of his desires, and your time will be shallow. 

What does the passage in Burrough’s work show us? Certain tenants of the Dom/sub relationship are true beyond the dungeon. Treat those who serve you badly, and they will not follow you. Even if you have a gulf of understanding, talking with those who serve you will bind them closer to you. 

Findings of Fault

 Subs screw up sometimes. They may be late for an appointment, for which you can punish them for a reason. Bring your tea in the wrong mug, when you punish them for that. In this second case, it’s an excuse to do the punishment. How was he to know what mug you wanted? Taking that type of punishment is part of being a sub. Subs get punished for real or imagined faults. 

Some faults are bigger. More than being 10 minutes late for a session. It could be an endemic issue. Like talking too much or at inappropriate times. These are habits brought in from before service times that need correction as they are a fault of the sub. Failure to keep up with diet and exercise regimens are another. Clearly the fault of the sub, and something the Dom needs to correct. Carrots and sticks, however the Dom decides will be most effective. 

But I don’t want to talk about those. I want to talk about fault when orders are carried out as they were issued. Say I gave my sub a list of tasks he has to drive around town to compete. I detail his path, give him 2 hours and he goes right to it. Returning 3 hours later. A failure, he has taken too long. Why? If I deliberately gave him less time than needed, I know that and can proceed on the scene I’ve started. He’s failed, but knows I set an impossible goal for him. But if it was something he could do in 2 hours, did he lollygag? Or was there a massive traffic back up that made it impossible to do in the time limit. Lollygagging should be punished. I typically do not punish for external factors totally out of the subs control that prevent him from obeying as I instructed. The traffic problem may be an excuse I use for some fun, but my subs are so crestfallen in failing me regardless I don’t need to add to it. My subs also know I am “punishing” them for fun. Another Dom may go differently and that is fine. It’s how the dynamic works between a Dom and a sub. 

Let’s now discuss disastrous consequences of a sub’s obedience to orders. Who has the blame if it goes pear-shaped? What if the sub obeyed perfectly, and there are problems as a result of that obedience. Here is my example. Say I loan my sub S out to my acquaintance A. A I know isn’t a Dom. May like to boss around some, but not a Dom-type. And he’s not “lucky in love” in the vanilla scene. So I loan him S for a weekend. S is used to being loaned out and servicing the men I send him to. He has orders to give the full boyfriend experience to A. Get all mushy and do things how A wants. I order S to be sure A has a great time. 

The weekend happens and A reports S did exactly as instructed. A felt like he won the lottery. Perfect obedience. I’m proud of S for following instructions. When S returns and reports he mentions that A let him go very reluctantly. Saying S could stay and be his boyfriend, that they would be great together. That they could do it again, anytime. S reports that he is concerned that A has lost the idea that S is a slave obeying orders. Alarm bells are going off in me and S. 

Sure enough, A has fallen for the fantasy S provided. A keeps calling and texting S. Sending gifts, showing up when S is out doing things. A has become a full on stalker of my sub S. A professes he loves S. Contacts me to arrange another weekend, even offering cash for S’s services. S reports he is scared of where things are going. Is S to blame in this scenario? S obeyed orders, probably even seeing A getting too attached during the weekend, but obeyed nonetheless. S’s only fault is obeying too well. Not really a fault at all. 

So now I have a sub in genuine fear that A will disrupt his work and home life. If I could have predicted A’s obsession or not is actually irrelevant. The problem has come up. In this article, I’m not looking for the solution, I’m looking at fault. Who is to blame for this?

I am. I’m the Dom. I made the decision. I issued the orders. If I knew of the risks or not has no bearing on the placement of fault. A perfectly balanced friend I send S to for the weekend could fall for him as well. How can I punish S for the problem we have? He behaved exactly as I wished. A confirmed he was perfect in his execution. S is now scared of A’s actions and punishment would only tell S that he should be disobedient. I have jeopardized my sub’s life and quite possibly his service to me. If A cannot be checked, I as the Dom have to deal with the consequences. I am duty bound to fix it for my sub. I caused this problem. 

Let me throw another wrinkle into this: what if the weekend was S’s idea? What if my sub, for whatever reason requested to be loaned out “A always seems lonely, maybe you should give me to him for the weekend to cheer him up?” I am still at fault. It is still my decision that brought on the problem. No matter how much S may have hinted or outright begged. I am still the Dom, I made the choice. It is my responsibility to know what is best for my subs. My sub suggesting or begging me for anything does not mean I have to do it. I may know it’s bad for them. I may see issues that could come up later. My sub may be thinking only of his carnal desires. He may be asking to do something he suspects I want to do but have not ordered for whatever reason. None of that changes anything. 

If I order it, I am the responsible party. My sub is the tool that makes the order happen. The tool is never at fault. Many (most?) subs look primarily to the short term. What would be fun now? The Dom is responsible for what would happen as a result. Taking on the Dom role means taking on the responsibility of your orders and what happens as a result of your orders. 

My sub can come to me and say “I want a flogging”. If I’m not in the mood to do that, I won’t. My decision. If he leaves unfulfilled, I have to deal with that. Too many times, he may go looking for another Dom. Nothing the sub says, does, or insinuates requires me to do it. If I chose to order it, I do so knowing I made the choice of my own free will. My sub has given me the power to make these decisions. His urging to any level does not change that it is mine. And my responsibility. 

If I raise welts on my sub when I am belting him, I have to care for him. If I put him in an untenable position, I have to fix that. He is only in that situation because I ordered him to be. He may have wanted it, but I ordered it. Throughout it all, I have to be the comfort for my sub. I have to be the one who he goes to. I have to be the one who restores his faith in me. Again, this is not how to fix this issue, this is just only to address the fault. 

I may have to confess to my sub. This can be uncomfortable, and a lot of Doms do not think they ever need to apologize or admit fault. That is their choice. But if you make such an acknowledgement or not, it is your duty to fix it. Not issue an order to “just get over it”, but to actually resolve the problem. 

The more of his life my sub hands over to me, the more responsibility I have for making sure he is safe. He gives me control, I have to be a good custodian of that control. The more blindly he follows my instructions, the less I can blame him for any negative consequences that come of it. Power and responsibility are so linked that you cannot have one without the other effectively. 

I know subs who have surrendered a lot of power to Doms, and discovered the Doms do not take the responsibility that entails. As a result, they end up withdrawing service. Take the example of financial domination. If I take all my subs money, leaving him unable to pay rent or buy food (I would never do this), he can no longer serve me financially. So he withdraws. I’ve just seen a case of this in the last day or two. It is a betrayal of trust, it is dereliction of duty. If the sub loses trust is his Dom, he has no duty to remain in service. 

Subs can tell if they are being punished because the Dom has put them in a situation for which punishment is inevitable. They accept it. Subs accept they may not know the reason for orders they get. When subs can no longer trust that the Dom will protect them, look out for them, the grow in fear and begin to look for a way out. 

Subs chose to serve. It may be the only choice they made, but it is their choice. A Dom who does not earn the trust of a sub will find himself without that sub. 

He may say he wants it, but...

Subs can get excited to try something new; bondage, electro, whatever. If the Dom is willing, that's all great and they should try it. Subs can be apprehensive when a Dom introduces a new element, and the Dom should give consideration to the request, is it something the sub can bear?

A sub who has shown an aversion to pain may want to try electro, but there is a high possibility he will not be able to take it. The dom should should carefully think of how to proceed. Sometimes just saying "No" is the best answer.  This does bring in the possibility the sub will find someone less adept to try it. The Dom could also introduce at low levels and demonstratate to the sub how much (or little) the sub can take. 

Sometimes the sub wants to do something more risky. It could be just talk, and that is where the Dom needs to evaluate what the sub is saying beyond the words. I talk to my subs, let them open up about various topics. I get to know them and their lives. They can express an interest in things that I don't think they would like. On occasion, it works out and we have something new to explore. Other times it doesn't work for them. In reality, it's like trying a new food. Some you will like, some you will not. 

Let's get back to a high risk or high stakes desire by the sub. Let us assume sub A is a good, obedient, but fairly new sub. He is able to take good amounts of pain and humiliation. Having found submission, he has gotten the bug and wants to do much more; attend sex parties, go to conventions. When first introduced to something, it is not uncommon for someone to want to immerse themselves. Most often in all of us, this lasts a while then cools down. Money will be spent, books and articles read. While in this state of high excitment, you can extend the limits of the sub, but you also need to be sure you do not push so hard as to cause them to recoil. 

So sub A wants to take things from the sessions you have been having to a full week of being treated like an object. Forced to sleep in a cellar or closet, kept naked, treated brutally and forced to do hard manual labour. That can be difficult for an experienced sub, and a new one may not be able to take it. The longer a session goes, the more fortitude the sub needs to make it through. In this case, part of the plan would be limited or no positive support. This is an example, it can be anything, include something more extreme.

This proposed plan is difficult on the body and mind. The sub may have the physical ability to take it, but the effects on his mind could be deterimental. A concern with new subs is scaring them off. As a Dom, you need to evaluate how sincere the sub's desire is, and how prepared he is to actually take. You can not predict every reaction perfectly, but reasoned reflection will give you a good idea of what he can and cannot take. Once you have established that, have a deep conversation with the sub about how much you think he can take, and how difficult this will be. His openness about his feelings on the matter will have an impact as well. 

So let us presume that you agree to proceed. Time off work is arranged, other things prepared for. This is not a post about what you need for this, such as monitoring the sub, this is about his ability to complete a task that may be well beyond him. Bound or restricted subs should never be left unattended in case a problem arrises, even if they don't know they are being watched. This post presumes all necessary requirements are handled. 

As a Dom, you will need to be on the look out for the sub cracking. As much as he may want it, it may get past the point he can bear. The initial block of time will probaly be fine. He is getting to live his fantasy. As time progresses, he may take to it like a duck to water. In this case, it's a natural fit, and you have a new element for your times together. Even then, objectification can take a toll, so monitor that his mental state remains clear. Any activity can take a toll, so you need to watch out. If it's a new activity pay special attention. Is phrasing or body language changing showing that the sub is in distress? 

The objectification, or whatever activity is being done, may not be something the sub can bear. And it may take some time for him to realize this. In our example, he may struggle for hours doing his best because he asked for it. Between the two of you, one of you may need to call it off. There is no magic bullet with this. The sub may safe word out,  or you may realize he is past his limit. 

One important thing to remember is so long as it is in the realm of fantasy, it seems possible to the sub. When you begin to discuss implementation, it becomes more real. The sub may back out at that point. That is natural. As it becomes more probable, the seriousness becomes more palpable. This is the same thing as the number of subs who contact a Dom for a first session, make plans, actually drive to the Dom's place, then go right past. It is not the idea that scares them, it's the knowledge that it will happen. The close to the "point of impact" the more real. 

Be prepared to pull back, and pull the sub back, at any moment. This is new for the sub, he can't predict his reaction. It may have been a great leap for him. You being there, protecting him, and most of all soothing him at the end, will bind him closer than ever before. It doesn't matter if he finishes the plan or not. Your acceptance and comfort will show him that he is watched. Subs fail. When they do, punishment should not be automatic. If they are pushing their own limits to please you, and have given their best efforts, look at what they have done, not what they didn't. 

Doms, subs, and forms of address

When a Dom and sub communicate, especially for the first time, it can be confusing as both bring in ideas of how to talk to each other. This can make things tricky. I think the best choice is accept what the other does until one says "I do or do not do X". In a Dom/sub interaction, the Dom usually sets things, but I think the sub does have some input. I'll admit these are my opinions, so will not work for everyone. 

I think the general rule is that a sub should address a Dom as "Sir". It shows respect from the start and is, in the US at least, is the standard for a male. I think this is how the Dom/sub dynamic works, subs should respect Doms. It's also how I was raised in the Southern US. I use "Sir" by default in vanilla interactions. It's part of my life. 

I usually refer to subs as "boy". It's my default. I may use other forms of address in some situations. If the sub does not like it, I expect him to tell me why, and offer an alternative. I will be flexible on this. If we are just talking I do not have jurisdiction to inform the sub what I will call him. 

If one or the other does not like how they are addressed, a polite notice to the other should suffice. If the two are getting to know each other, it will take some time to get this down if they want a change. The changes may cause more discussion. If the Dom wants to be called "Master", and the sub reserves that for the man he will pledge to forever, someone should move. In this case, I think it should be the Dom. "Master" has certain connetations, especially for subs. 

I don't get upset if a sub appraches me by name or without salutation. As confusing as how to address someone can be in the vanilla world, I give them latitude in the BDSM. Some subs think calling a Dom "Sir" indicates they are or want to submit to them. So I can easily see how they do not know what is right.  

The main point is both sides should be polite and understanding that there can be confusing. Establishing protocol always takes a bit of time. If the sub is respectful, and the Dom is understanding, a long conversation can happen, and there can be some great things as a result. 

After a conversation has been going on, the Dom and sub can establish other ways to address each other that works for them. Some standards are "Master" ,"Daddy", and "Boss" for Doms and "slut", "son", and "slave" for the sub. Naturally, it can be whatever they (usually the Dom) mutually decide. 

Crafting a submissive Fetlife profile

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