The Other Side of Obscuring

No matter what platform you are on, there is a call for a picture. I’m sure there are numerous studies done proving seeing the face of an internet correspondent helps create a better connection. It makes sense, we tell a lot from faces in the real world. In kink, a lot of people chose to post their face. And a lot don’t. To be clear going into this, I do not post my face. I’ve made my choice, and I’m prepared to live with it.

The decision to post a face pic or not is up to the individual. Many have no problem with it, and those does show their willingness to commit. There are platforms you can post your face, your ass, your dick, how well you suck, how you fuck. There are a lot of guys who will want to see and appreciate. You are an adult, so you have made a decision on your life.

Others chose not to. No-Facers have their own reasons like Facers do. Some could have their jobs put in jeopardy if associated with kink. To some it may just be a preference. Regardless, a No-Facer is an adult and has made the decision just like a Facer has.

As discussions progress, very often a request to exchange face pics, to do a video call, or something else is made. This is perfectly natural, and shows a progression of of the relationship. No-Facers have a new choice. Some will share with people they have grown to trust. Others will not. Here is where we get to the crux of the matter. Given the ease and expectation of face pics, if you chose not to share, be prepared for that to cool things down.

The other person, be they a Facer or No-Facer has every right to expect to see you at some point. This is the right of expectation, not an absolute right to see you. A No-Facer can still decline and be within his full rights. If you are unwilling to share your face, you must be prepared, as I am, for that discussion to end. Asking to see your face it not unreasonable.

Facers should be prepared that some men will not show their face regardless, and evaluate on their own how to deal with it. It may eliminate the possibility of physical contact, but if the discussion is engage, you can still talk.

For both sides, consider how important it is to see the other person’s face. Is it a deal breaker? Can you live with it? And remember, the other person as the right to make the decision they make. It’s not a question of rights, it’s a question of how you deal with it. Be prepared to accept the consequences of your decision.

Two Types of Collars

When it comes to collaring a sub, we have heard about consideration collars, promise collars, commitment collars. All of these represent some level of engagement with a dynamic. Some Doms will have a sub move from one type to another working up to a permanent collar. There are also what I call “signal collars”, which are put on by a sub with an open lock to advertise his desire to find a Dom. 

I want to talk about two specific types of collar. The first is a scene/session collar. I like collars. I like subs in collars, and I will put one on him if it’s our first session. This does not indicate anything but I want one on the sub. If he’s a pup, it’s almost required. There is no special significance to a session collar. It does not indicate I claim him or that he submits to me for more than the session we engage in. It’s not supposed to. It’s part of the session just like bondage or a flogger would be. It’s a tool. At the end it comes off like anything else I’ve put on to have fun with. 

A sub should not take that as establishing a dynamic, and the Dom should not either. It’s designed for play, it is play. Attributing more to it is a mistake. 

The next is some level of “commitment” collar. In this case commitment does not mean one has been established, but that it is more extensive than a scene/session. The first one I want to discuss is the “looking for” collar. This is a collar with an open lock. Such a collar is used to indicate a sub is actively looking for a Dom and is approachable. It is not an open invitation to use or talk to the sub as if he were already yours. The open lock is a signal, one of availability. Compatibility is another matter. 

If the lock is closed, it most likely means the sub is taken at some level. The sub may close the lock because they want to indicate they are submissive, but not open to searching, but that is fairly rare. A closed lock most frequency indicates the sub has an ongoing relationship with a Dom. The level of that relationship is up to the members. If you see a closed lock, there is no reason you cannot talk to the sub, but do not expect it to go beyond talking. If the sub is open to that, he will have to indicate in another way that he is available. I never presume that a sub can play outside his dynamic unless he says so. 

Collars can help draw a Dom and sub together, to show they are in a dynamic. It is a mistake to presume they are in a full on TPE 24/7. It could be the two are early in a deep commitment and are making sure things will sustain. It could be a timed collar, where they have agreed to a given dynamic for a period. It’s really up to them to decide how to do it. 

Collaring is very important to the Leather and BDSM communities. The term “collaring” can even mean a virtual collar, where the relationship exists, but the physical collar is not present. Just as some married couples do not have or wear rings, some have the commitment, not the physical item. 

Where there are some general rules, collaring is up to the people involved in it. General practice is most solid around the term “collaring” for the establishment of a dynamic, and the open or closed lock to announce availability. 

Sometimes Words, Sometimes Weapons

Kink is full of terms that often need some explanation. “Dom” and “sub” are good general terms, and most will understand what they mean. However, other terms can be used in particular dynamics and require some definition to relay the meaning. 

One thing to always remember is that in a given dynamic the words used inside of it can take on a life of their own, to be specialized to the couple. Or to a wider audience. Poly families, dungeons, any community can have terms that mean something to that given group and you would need to understand the meanings there to fully grasp it. 

Consider the phrase “get all the boys together”. If spoken to a group of men before a sporting event, it would be common parlance, even though “boy” would be considered a derogatory term if applied to a full-grown man in a non-casual way. “Hey boy, get over here and fill my glass” would be demeaning if said to a 40 year old waiter. The context carries it all here. 

In many BDSM dynamics “boy” is used for the sub and that term is widely accepted. Even if the participants are not usually into humiliation or degradation, boy is used with commonality. In a given dynamic, kink or non-kink, derogatory terms can be used as marks of affection. Context is important here, as calling someone a “ass-licker” at a formal dinner would be inappropriate. In casual environments, it may be perfectly acceptable. 

The source is important here, the recipient of the slander knows the speaker is joking, and using what is a term of affection between them. So there is no offense taken. Appropriation by other may or may not be accepted. 

Certain communities can develop terms that are derogatory outside of the community but have a different meaning with the denizens. “Scum”, “Loser”, even “Fag” can be seen as defining and acceptable roles within those bounds. In a community, it is not the meaning attached by two people, but by the members as a whole. The terms may have functional or historical significance. The question to ask is not do those in the larger society see the term as negative, but do those so referred to take it as an insult. 

Context and source are the important parts of degrading terms used as endearments. If you are not in the right place, or not the right person, it is a very bad thing to do. It is the developed relationship between people that allow them to levy insults to each other in a positive way. If you have not established that relationship, calling someone a name is harmful. It is a weapon in your hand. It can be harder if it is a term the recipient is aware you know can be endearing, as it will be perceived as an insult to that relationship. 

The same word can be endearing or destructive. How it is taken is determined by the recipient, and it is not an absolute, the words live and breath with each person. 

Keyed Consent

 Consent is very important to me. It is beyond amazing what can be done by a Dom because a sub consents to it. But the fulcrum is consent. Everything pivots and is made possible by it. Clear consent, given without pressure or coercion, makes a vast arena for both to explore. 

Consider a house that has a single door in the front and a number of rooms that can be locked inside. Each of these rooms is something the sub can consent to, and the house is the sub himself. The sub can choose to give the Dom keys to whichever rooms he is willing to consent to. The Dom has the keys and can use the rooms as he wishes. All of this is because the sub has surrendered the keys to him. The sub can get the keys back at any point. Either by saying so in discussion, or calling a safe word. 

What rooms, what the sub consents to, can change over time and should be a partnership discussion. I don’t say that to mean that the Dom can override the sub in this, but that if there are questions or concerns the Dom needs to know so he can adjust as necessary. Withholding consent may be permanent or temporary, depending on need. Discussing with your partner lets your partner understand and know if he can push on the door, or needs to avoid entirely. 

The construction and layout of the house is up to the sub. Each room is locked and some locked rooms can be in other locked rooms. Each key is independent. The sub opens the front door to explore with the Dom. When this happens, the Dom has free reign to every door he can open. As often and as intensely as that room permits. The sub has surrendered the management of those rooms to the Dom until such time as the sub takes the keys away.

“Pushing on the door” is a good way to describe how to test limits. A Dom should never violate the limits, but can go up to them and push. That gives the sub the security that the limits remain in place, and gives the sub an opportunity to contemplate giving the Dom a key to that room to explore. The door is not unlocked, it does not open, until the sub gives the Dom the key. 

A sub may not want to be in the room the Dom has decided to explore. However, bound to the Dom, the sub goes where the Dom wishes. With the keys comes dominion. So long as the Dom has the keys, he is in charge and makes the decisions. Like giving keys to a renter, the renter has the rights there, until there is an eviction. What the sub evaluates is does he want to take back the key to the room or to everything. So long as the sub leaves the keys with the Dom, the sub obeys. And the Dom is within his rights to use those rooms as he choses. 

Doms do have to look at how he is using the room. This is part of being a Dom, or a good renter. Use that room for its purpose, but watch out for wear and tear. How does the sub react? What are you doing and will that cause the sub to need to take back the key? Yes, it’s yours for now. But like someone destroying a rental property, will that get you evicted. A good Dom does not just use, but uses so he can continue to use.  

The main key is the key to the front door, the only way into everything. Opening up this door gives the Dom rights to the rooms he has keys to. The front door has a key the sub cannot ever completely surrender. It’s molded to his hand, or the lock is biometric. However you want to visualize it. The sub may never (and I argue should never) feel he has no right to lock that door to the Dom, no matter how long submission lasts, it is always possible the sub can lock the front door. If the front door is locked, no matter how many interior keys the Dom may have, he can use none of them because he cannot get to those doors. 

Consent is the key is a common phrase. It is key, it is how we do what we do. Each of those keys is precious, for the sub to surrender, for the Dom to engage. 

Safe to the edge

Safe words are an important part of the BDSM lifestyle. Scenes of extreme impact play, bondage, humiliation and so on require a way for the sub to indicate actual distress. ‘Actual’ distress because reactions such as screams or ‘please don’t’ may be part of how the sub is thrilled during the scene itself and not an indication distress or desire to stop. The agreement between the Dom and sub that the safe word is the actual stop is vital. 

BDSM goes further than physical discomfort or pain. It can, and does, have an impact on the mental state of the participants. I do not see or say this as a negative impact. In cases the mental impact can be negative in the short or long term, as such the Dom and sub need also look at their mental states. It may be a flash of past trauma. 

Lighter activities don't carry the same level of need for safe words as heavy ones do. But I have them in place as a blanket protection. As small as it is, I want to know there is a clear signal for a problem. If I'm giving a light spanking to an unrestrained sub, he would be able to stand up in an emergency - and might react that way faster than safe wording. 

But even the most innocuous of activities could have an unexpected result. I once had a sub with a very negative reaction to me putting a bit in his mouth. It was emotional and surprised him. 

Do safe words take some of the edge out play? Yes, but in those (always hopefully passingly rare) cases they are needed, they should be in place. The regret when they are not, the damage that could result is too great.

If you want to return the edge so slightly blunted by a safe word, use them in a constructive way. Have a sub with a bondage fetish but fear of exposure? Perhaps when bound, let the hear the sound of a camera, then show them the pictures you took of the floor or your foot on their phone.  

The importance of safe words being pervasive is not because every single activity we have needs them, but because when the activity does require them, they must be not second nature, but first nature. 

When the safe word is capable of dulling the edge, that is when it is most needed.

Why won't that Dom talk to me?

 Looking for a BDSM match is a lot like dating in the vanilla world. You will see Doms you want to serve, send a message and get nothing back or a brief comment. How do you get a Dom to talk to you? 

First, be realistic. If you are looking for in-person, select someone in a reasonable geographic location. Talking about a bondage session when you are an 8 hour flight away is not a great start. Unless you have travel plans to that location. In which, that needs to be your opening “I will be in your city in 2 months, could we look at getting together?” signals there is a possibility of actually meeting. 

Another part of realism is having some kinks in common. This is true of online and in-person. The more you cross over, the higher chance of success. If you are into puppy play and the Dom is a spanker, you will be less successful than with a handler. 

Where there is some discussion around forms of address, be respectful and call the Dom “Sir”, unless you know he has another preference. If he instructs anything else, do as he says. You want this man to dominate you, being submissive shows you in the right mindset and will aid you as well. 

Now we get to the tricky part. Content and length. Let’s tackle length first. Be reasonable. Reading your message will take time, so don’t ask for too much. Also don’t be so brief as not to give a complete picture of what you are saying. This is not easy to gauge, and I won’t pretend it is. Think of it as business correspondence with an overtone of social discussion. If you go on for pages, even looking at that will cause the Dom to pass if he’s faced with a novel. 

Don’t be too short. “I want you to dominate me” says nothing. As a Dom, you’ve given me nothing interesting and no reason to respond. Start out with something in common, a post he made that you like, react to a picture of his work. Go into what you can offer him. Provide what experience you have, if any. If you don’t have any experience to show, make an offer of what you can to show you are serious. 

Showing you are serious does not mean a string of dick-pics. My preference is a nude from at least neck-to-knees, and kneeling. You don’t have to start with a picture, but be prepared with what you are willing to show. Talk about what you would be most interested in exploring, and if you have additional kinks, give them a brief mention. Mention any serious or unexpected limits. You can assume you don’t need to mention you won’t break the law during an initial exchange. 

Finish with a request for action on his part. Something like “Please tell me if you would be interested in using me in these, or some other way.” 

Don’t expect an instant reply. Some Doms are not looking at messages every day. A polite follow up later, only one, as it is possible for a message to be missed, or the Dom meant to reply and didn’t. Some Doms will not respond if they are not interested. They may be busy, have all the subs they want now, or some other reason. Don’t get too invested in a Dom because you like him, work on building him liking you. It takes time to establish a good relationship that will be fulfilling to both of you. 

As you contact Doms, be aware of a few red flags. One is too much communication. This is a  hard thing to gauge, as it is very easy to have quick responses if the Dom works from home or uses a mobile device. However, if the communication seems frantic, be cautious. 

A major flag is the Dom wanting to claim you quickly, not exploring each other. Creating a formal relationship after one day, or a very brief time, shows more that the Dom is hunting for having a list of names, not something meaningful. A Dom/sub or Master/slave relationship is a weighty matter, and not to be entered into lightly. 

Also do not reveal personal information until you are comfortable, if at all. Any Dom worth submitting to will wait for private information. That includes a face pic. Always keep a mind on your security. 

The main point here is give the Dom something to interest him, and enough to respond to. You are starting a conversation with someone that if it all works out will be your Dom for life. Make that first step memorable. 

Dom Consent

 Consent is vital to any Dom/sub encounter. The sub chooses who he submits to, and what activities will be part of that time. The sub has the complete right to withdraw consent during the scene as well. So does the Dom. 

Dom consent is not discussed much. One reason is that as the active and planning partner, the Dom choses the activities and will generally choose those that please him. It is more a case of selecting activities than prohibiting them. The act of consent is agreeing to a particular activity. When the Dom initiates the activity, consent is strongly implied. A sub may not expect the activity, and have a general consent that he can withdraw. This blog post will be discussing a Dom’s consent, not how or to what extent a sub would consent. 

The first consent a Dom makes is agreeing to activities with the sub, the same can be said of the sub. This is equal on both sides. During the negotiations, various possible activities will be mooted for the sub to consider if he accepts. During this time, both sides could bring up proposed activities, consent being implied for their proposals. The most common result is the Dom would propose something the sub does not agree to, and therefore does not consent to. The sub can propose activities a Dom is not interested in. Declining them indicates a lack of consent on the Dom’s part. 

In parallel to a Dom suggesting an extension of limits, the sub can suggest the Dom extend his limits as well. Requesting a sub extend his limits should always be done with great care, as the sub has a natural desire to please the Dom he is with. Some of a similar desire exists with the Dom, who will want a successful scene, and a return of the sub in the future. So the Dom may consent to an activity he does not enjoy for the sub. Subs accept activities they may not want to do as part of a BDSM scene, expecting some to be of personal thrill. To cooperate with the sub, the Dom will engage in some he does not care for. 

Where a Dom should be very reluctant to push a sub past limits, I feel the sub can exert more pressure on the Dom than he receives. The very nature of a Dom is to be more prepared to resist than a sub. Doms are expected to exert authority, and resist pressure when applied. A resistance that is often not available in subs. Having agreed to an activity, the Dom has a greater expectation to perform the act to completion where a sub may safe word out of an extended action. 

One of the forms of consent a Dom exercises is the level of intensity. If the activities are mutually acceptable, the sub may want a level of intensity the Dom is not prepared to deliver. The Dom may consent to a more intense level. This is a choice the Dom makes. A Dom may withdraw his consent to continue if he feels the sub it pushing past safe limits, or becomes unwise for the sub.

Another factor to consider is the relative experience levels of the Dom and sub. A Dom teaching a new sub could push that sub to accept things the sub would not, perhaps in the name of experiencing to see if he likes it or not. If the sub is the more experienced one, he may instruct the Dom to acts the Dom is not prepared for or completely willing to perform for the same reason. As the negative physical effects would be on the sub, the Dom has limited risk. Mental discomfort could be the result for the Dom not able to adequately evaluate his expected reaction to making a sub do something. The more knowledge and experience a Dom has, the better he can actually predict how he will deal with a new experience. 

Should a Dom withdraw consent, from an individual activity or the scene as a whole, I think he should offer some explanation as to why. The sub should if they withdraw consent as well. It may be personal taste, it could be safety. Whatever the reason, communicating it will tell the partner so future encounters can be more successful.

When consent is discussed, it is usually (overwhelmingly so) centered on the sub. That is indeed where the main focus should be. The general natures of Doms and subs require more care be taken to protect the sub, there is greater risk to the sub. “Consent” when discussed and unqualified is “the consent of the sub”, and the meaning is quite clear. Does the submissive partner allow an activity to happen or continue? The concept of a Dom consenting is less defined in the general mind. It exists, but does not enter the conversation as much. 

My consent article

Meeting Risk

 This is a guest post by my slave Christopher. 

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About five weeks ago, this slave was duped by “Sir Sender”. This slave posted its journey with “Sir Sender” from His first private message through to His not showing for the meeting He requested. He has not contacted this slave since. The experience deeply hurt this slave.

This slave decided to process this experience by revisiting its journey with “Sir Sender” and sharing some “warning signs” that it had ignored on FetLife. This slave doesn’t know how many times it started this essay but ended up scrapping the draft and starting over.

When it included everything that might have been a warning, the writing was too long. Besides, there are hundreds of those lists out there. When it tried the boiling the experience down, it got to the single statement, “Be skeptical of anything on social media.” But that was neither a correct statement nor is it what this slave needed to say.

The problem is not with social media. The problem is not in the Master/slave dynamic. The problem is rushing into situations, making assumptions along the way, and not communicating. (At least this slave knew that communication was a problem with “Sir Sender” and wanted to talk about this at the first meeting.) These problems happen in all kinds of relationships. It is not peculiar to FetLife, BDSM, TPE, Master/slave or what have you.

“Warning signs” are found in all forms of human relationships, for in every form of human relationship there are bad ones. But there are also good ones – even in those that exhibit “warning signs” culled from a random list. A good relationship is one that satisfies the expectations of the participants – “warning signs” or not.

Some Dominants are nurturing. Others destroy. Some subs thrive with nurturing. Others relish destruction.

Ultimately, one cannot form a relationship without doing a dance, working through what one wants and what one is willing to compromise. There will probably be missteps along the way. Forming a relationship cannot be done in total safety.

The question is not “what are the warning signs?”, but “is it worth the risk?” And if it is worth the risk, one should be prepared to suffer if it doesn’t work out. Certainly this slave had missteps with “Sir Sender” and, instead of recovering, ended up on the floor.

This slave is convinced that, one day, it will find a compatible Master. That makes searching for Him worth the risk. So it will go forward with eyes wide open, working through the warning signs as they pop up, neither ignoring them nor delaying addressing them like it did with “Sir Sender”. Warning signs are part of the dance. They can be handled with grace, either by handing off the dance partner or drawing the dancers closer together. So know when to let go and when to hang on – warning signs or not.

This slave will dance with grace.

Doms, subs, and forms of address

When a Dom and sub communicate, especially for the first time, it can be confusing as both bring in ideas of how to talk to each other. This can make things tricky. I think the best choice is accept what the other does until one says "I do or do not do X". In a Dom/sub interaction, the Dom usually sets things, but I think the sub does have some input. I'll admit these are my opinions, so will not work for everyone. 

I think the general rule is that a sub should address a Dom as "Sir". It shows respect from the start and is, in the US at least, is the standard for a male. I think this is how the Dom/sub dynamic works, subs should respect Doms. It's also how I was raised in the Southern US. I use "Sir" by default in vanilla interactions. It's part of my life. 

I usually refer to subs as "boy". It's my default. I may use other forms of address in some situations. If the sub does not like it, I expect him to tell me why, and offer an alternative. I will be flexible on this. If we are just talking I do not have jurisdiction to inform the sub what I will call him. 

If one or the other does not like how they are addressed, a polite notice to the other should suffice. If the two are getting to know each other, it will take some time to get this down if they want a change. The changes may cause more discussion. If the Dom wants to be called "Master", and the sub reserves that for the man he will pledge to forever, someone should move. In this case, I think it should be the Dom. "Master" has certain connetations, especially for subs. 

I don't get upset if a sub appraches me by name or without salutation. As confusing as how to address someone can be in the vanilla world, I give them latitude in the BDSM. Some subs think calling a Dom "Sir" indicates they are or want to submit to them. So I can easily see how they do not know what is right.  

The main point is both sides should be polite and understanding that there can be confusing. Establishing protocol always takes a bit of time. If the sub is respectful, and the Dom is understanding, a long conversation can happen, and there can be some great things as a result. 

After a conversation has been going on, the Dom and sub can establish other ways to address each other that works for them. Some standards are "Master" ,"Daddy", and "Boss" for Doms and "slut", "son", and "slave" for the sub. Naturally, it can be whatever they (usually the Dom) mutually decide.