Sometimes Words, Sometimes Weapons

Kink is full of terms that often need some explanation. “Dom” and “sub” are good general terms, and most will understand what they mean. However, other terms can be used in particular dynamics and require some definition to relay the meaning. 

One thing to always remember is that in a given dynamic the words used inside of it can take on a life of their own, to be specialized to the couple. Or to a wider audience. Poly families, dungeons, any community can have terms that mean something to that given group and you would need to understand the meanings there to fully grasp it. 

Consider the phrase “get all the boys together”. If spoken to a group of men before a sporting event, it would be common parlance, even though “boy” would be considered a derogatory term if applied to a full-grown man in a non-casual way. “Hey boy, get over here and fill my glass” would be demeaning if said to a 40 year old waiter. The context carries it all here. 

In many BDSM dynamics “boy” is used for the sub and that term is widely accepted. Even if the participants are not usually into humiliation or degradation, boy is used with commonality. In a given dynamic, kink or non-kink, derogatory terms can be used as marks of affection. Context is important here, as calling someone a “ass-licker” at a formal dinner would be inappropriate. In casual environments, it may be perfectly acceptable. 

The source is important here, the recipient of the slander knows the speaker is joking, and using what is a term of affection between them. So there is no offense taken. Appropriation by other may or may not be accepted. 

Certain communities can develop terms that are derogatory outside of the community but have a different meaning with the denizens. “Scum”, “Loser”, even “Fag” can be seen as defining and acceptable roles within those bounds. In a community, it is not the meaning attached by two people, but by the members as a whole. The terms may have functional or historical significance. The question to ask is not do those in the larger society see the term as negative, but do those so referred to take it as an insult. 

Context and source are the important parts of degrading terms used as endearments. If you are not in the right place, or not the right person, it is a very bad thing to do. It is the developed relationship between people that allow them to levy insults to each other in a positive way. If you have not established that relationship, calling someone a name is harmful. It is a weapon in your hand. It can be harder if it is a term the recipient is aware you know can be endearing, as it will be perceived as an insult to that relationship. 

The same word can be endearing or destructive. How it is taken is determined by the recipient, and it is not an absolute, the words live and breath with each person.