Why won't that Dom talk to me?

 Looking for a BDSM match is a lot like dating in the vanilla world. You will see Doms you want to serve, send a message and get nothing back or a brief comment. How do you get a Dom to talk to you? 

First, be realistic. If you are looking for in-person, select someone in a reasonable geographic location. Talking about a bondage session when you are an 8 hour flight away is not a great start. Unless you have travel plans to that location. In which, that needs to be your opening “I will be in your city in 2 months, could we look at getting together?” signals there is a possibility of actually meeting. 

Another part of realism is having some kinks in common. This is true of online and in-person. The more you cross over, the higher chance of success. If you are into puppy play and the Dom is a spanker, you will be less successful than with a handler. 

Where there is some discussion around forms of address, be respectful and call the Dom “Sir”, unless you know he has another preference. If he instructs anything else, do as he says. You want this man to dominate you, being submissive shows you in the right mindset and will aid you as well. 

Now we get to the tricky part. Content and length. Let’s tackle length first. Be reasonable. Reading your message will take time, so don’t ask for too much. Also don’t be so brief as not to give a complete picture of what you are saying. This is not easy to gauge, and I won’t pretend it is. Think of it as business correspondence with an overtone of social discussion. If you go on for pages, even looking at that will cause the Dom to pass if he’s faced with a novel. 

Don’t be too short. “I want you to dominate me” says nothing. As a Dom, you’ve given me nothing interesting and no reason to respond. Start out with something in common, a post he made that you like, react to a picture of his work. Go into what you can offer him. Provide what experience you have, if any. If you don’t have any experience to show, make an offer of what you can to show you are serious. 

Showing you are serious does not mean a string of dick-pics. My preference is a nude from at least neck-to-knees, and kneeling. You don’t have to start with a picture, but be prepared with what you are willing to show. Talk about what you would be most interested in exploring, and if you have additional kinks, give them a brief mention. Mention any serious or unexpected limits. You can assume you don’t need to mention you won’t break the law during an initial exchange. 

Finish with a request for action on his part. Something like “Please tell me if you would be interested in using me in these, or some other way.” 

Don’t expect an instant reply. Some Doms are not looking at messages every day. A polite follow up later, only one, as it is possible for a message to be missed, or the Dom meant to reply and didn’t. Some Doms will not respond if they are not interested. They may be busy, have all the subs they want now, or some other reason. Don’t get too invested in a Dom because you like him, work on building him liking you. It takes time to establish a good relationship that will be fulfilling to both of you. 

As you contact Doms, be aware of a few red flags. One is too much communication. This is a  hard thing to gauge, as it is very easy to have quick responses if the Dom works from home or uses a mobile device. However, if the communication seems frantic, be cautious. 

A major flag is the Dom wanting to claim you quickly, not exploring each other. Creating a formal relationship after one day, or a very brief time, shows more that the Dom is hunting for having a list of names, not something meaningful. A Dom/sub or Master/slave relationship is a weighty matter, and not to be entered into lightly. 

Also do not reveal personal information until you are comfortable, if at all. Any Dom worth submitting to will wait for private information. That includes a face pic. Always keep a mind on your security. 

The main point here is give the Dom something to interest him, and enough to respond to. You are starting a conversation with someone that if it all works out will be your Dom for life. Make that first step memorable. 

The Dom is the Key

 There are so many kinks to explore, it’s truly amazing. One thing can make or break any kink, especially one you are just exploring: the Dom. A Dom who knows his way around the kink and can introduce the sub to it rationally is so important. For bondage or pain, this means the sub is taken care of and not in any danger. 

Let’s look at a kink that can go well, or horribly based on how the Dom manages the sub: financial domination. If done properly, the sub gives up extra funds, money that would have gone to coffees, entertainment, but not money for bills. The sub can still put aside for savings at a sensible rate. What the sub is out is stuff he does not need. Add in budgeting advice, and the sub has a great set of new lessons to learn. 

The Dom also benefits, as he gets “free money” to use as he sees fit, and has the submission he deserves. 

If FinDom is new for the sub, this ethical FinDom makes is something the sub can continue to enjoy for years to come. It’s a positive, growing experience. If the Dom causes serious financial hardship, other hardships will result, pushing the sub from that experience and possibly more. 

Not every kink will match every sub. That’s a given. You would be hard pressed to find a sub into everything. Introducing the sub properly, so the initial experiences are positive will make it better for everyone. 

The same is true with any other kink: pain, bondage, ABDL, and so on. Many subs are willing to try a kink they have little or no interest in for their Doms, and how we as Doms guide them there will help develop their interest. The early stages need to be much more about enticing the sub and providing him a sense of safety so he will come back. A sub that embraces a kink is better than one that merely tolerates it under orders. 

A Dom may have the skills when exploration starts, or may need to learn them. If the Dom needs to learn, tell the sub. A sub will presume the Dom knows what he’s doing as part of his mindset. Warning that the Dom is learning means the sub will be alert to problems. It will also increase the trust the sub has for the Dom, since the Dom is being open and honest. 

This is one area a sub can take the lead. If the sub is familiar with a kink the Dom is not, the sub can be an invaluable teacher, able to relay what is happening, to provide reactions good and bad. Good partners can explore together.

What if the Dom doesn't attract service?

 In relationships, something attracts the partners. In Dom/sub, a component is the type of service a sub provides. Another component is how and what service the Dom wants. A Dom wants his feet licked, a sub likes to lick feet, there is a match. At least on the what. Another part of this is the how. Do the Dom and sub match in style? Some Doms are very demanding, giving rough orders and the sub revel in that. Others are more Daddy like and express a desire for the sub to fill. 

Some subs get turned on by a text “Get over here and service my feet NOW”. Others get turned on by “I had a long day at work boy. Could sure use your tongue between my toes.” Subs are to serve, does it really matter? It does. Subs serve by choice at the start of it all. Just like in any relationship, they may be attracted to physical appearance or aura, but that is only the start. Like waking up from a one night stand (or finishing a scene) both sides have to show if they can continue to be together. It will take a bit, how does the other respond to harsh commands or take reluctance?

Subs come in ranges from full obedience to brat, a Dom can decide if he wants to deal with whatever level of resistance to orders the sub has. But the sub also has to decide if he can take how the orders are delivered. For a sub needing affirmation and support, a cruel Dom who issues rough commands will not work. The sub will lose his desire to serve. For a sub needing strict commands, the opposite is true. 

Some of this can be handled in the negotiations at the start, as initial contact has established mutual interest. How things progress will tell each one if the other actually does as indicated. Subs will obey orders because they are orders for a period of time to see how it feels with a Dom. If the sub does not get the fulfillment they need, they will move on. It’s different for a sub than how a Dom feels, even different from pure sexual release. If it’s feeling good for providing service, or humiliation at what he has been made to do, whatever drives that sub needs to be in place for him to continue. 

So what if the Dom does not provide the style of command that drives the sub? The sub may continue so he has orders, but will always be looking for a Dom that gives him a “service-boner”, one that he obeys not just the order, but the man. 

Having a style that motivates the sub brings better service. The more the Dom and sub are aligned, the better. So what if the style of the Dom does not match what the sub craves? Is it the subs fault? I don’t think so. Such motivation is hard to train into a sub, if that is at all possible. It’s not like a preference for a food or activity, it’s an inborn drive to serve, and how that service is brought out. The sub is not in control of this, and if a Dom cannot give the sub that, it is the Dom that needs to change if he wants to keep that sub. Subs will often do their best to accommodate the style of a Dom they serve, but if the gap is too wide, the Dom is the one that needs to change. Change is in the hands of the Dom, and where he can train the sub in new things, if the Dom’s style of motivation is not doing it, the Dom is the one to change. 

So what if the Dom cannot attract or retain subs? Yes, in some regards it is the sub who is at fault. Some subs are flaky; start to serve and ghost, or do not live up to their commitments. But that is only a percentage (don’t ask me what that percentage is, I have no idea). There are real subs out there, and they search until they find a Dom. If a Dom is not able to attract and retain subs, it is up to the Dom to determine what he should do differently if he is unsatisfied with things. A sub really should not submit to a Dom because he pities the Dom not being able to find a sub. Like the commands he issues, how a Dom leads is under the dominion of the Dom. 

Some subs will give feedback. I find that very valuable. It may be feedback for that particular sub, or it can be feedback for submissives as a whole. A Dom can choose if he listens to what feedback is offered, and chooses to act on it or not. But this is something not all subs can do, and many Doms do not want to listen. That is on the Dom. 

Meeting Risk

 This is a guest post by my slave Christopher. 

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About five weeks ago, this slave was duped by “Sir Sender”. This slave posted its journey with “Sir Sender” from His first private message through to His not showing for the meeting He requested. He has not contacted this slave since. The experience deeply hurt this slave.

This slave decided to process this experience by revisiting its journey with “Sir Sender” and sharing some “warning signs” that it had ignored on FetLife. This slave doesn’t know how many times it started this essay but ended up scrapping the draft and starting over.

When it included everything that might have been a warning, the writing was too long. Besides, there are hundreds of those lists out there. When it tried the boiling the experience down, it got to the single statement, “Be skeptical of anything on social media.” But that was neither a correct statement nor is it what this slave needed to say.

The problem is not with social media. The problem is not in the Master/slave dynamic. The problem is rushing into situations, making assumptions along the way, and not communicating. (At least this slave knew that communication was a problem with “Sir Sender” and wanted to talk about this at the first meeting.) These problems happen in all kinds of relationships. It is not peculiar to FetLife, BDSM, TPE, Master/slave or what have you.

“Warning signs” are found in all forms of human relationships, for in every form of human relationship there are bad ones. But there are also good ones – even in those that exhibit “warning signs” culled from a random list. A good relationship is one that satisfies the expectations of the participants – “warning signs” or not.

Some Dominants are nurturing. Others destroy. Some subs thrive with nurturing. Others relish destruction.

Ultimately, one cannot form a relationship without doing a dance, working through what one wants and what one is willing to compromise. There will probably be missteps along the way. Forming a relationship cannot be done in total safety.

The question is not “what are the warning signs?”, but “is it worth the risk?” And if it is worth the risk, one should be prepared to suffer if it doesn’t work out. Certainly this slave had missteps with “Sir Sender” and, instead of recovering, ended up on the floor.

This slave is convinced that, one day, it will find a compatible Master. That makes searching for Him worth the risk. So it will go forward with eyes wide open, working through the warning signs as they pop up, neither ignoring them nor delaying addressing them like it did with “Sir Sender”. Warning signs are part of the dance. They can be handled with grace, either by handing off the dance partner or drawing the dancers closer together. So know when to let go and when to hang on – warning signs or not.

This slave will dance with grace.

The Missing Dom

Meeting someone for a BDSM encounter can take time to arrange. At a bar or party, two guys start face to face. With the internet, you can start a discussion with someone and get to know some things about them before you physically meet. Close or far, the important thing is you have common interests. Having chatted via email, messengers, and possibly voice and video calls. The time arrives for a physical meeting. Even if you have established a great rapport, meeting at a public place is advisable. What if one does not show up? Very frequently, the sub is the no-show. Sometimes however, it’s the Dom. 

With any meeting, there is a chance of a flat tire or an urgent call from work. It’s an easy thing to send a quick text, so the person you’re to meet knows you are delayed. If you arrange to meet someone, it’s polite to keep the appointment. There are times when the Dom is not the one absent when the meeting is to happen. A sub has found the courage to show up. I think it’s harder for a sub, especially a new sub, to go and meet with a man he has never met for the purpose of submitting to him. Doms should have the confidence to be at these meetings. Not being able to meet in a public place can be an indication he is not as prepared to control a sub. 

The Dom is to be in control, of himself, and the sub. From the initial meeting on. It may be the Dom does not exert direct control, but guides the conversation, usually soothing the sub into D/s discussions. Showing the sub that the Dom is someone to be followed. That can only happen if the Dom is there. 

Having bucked up the courage to go to a meeting, if the Dom does not appear, it can be devastating for a sub. So often, the sub could be great; obedient, willing, able to take a lot. A Dom not making an initial meeting can discourage them, take them away and all that service that could be enjoyed is gone. 

The start of time in BDSM is vital. If the person you have picked to introduce you is not there when you come, it can be derailed. If you are a Dom, be there for the sub. Start to guide him. If you are a sub, this can be the beginning of a fantastic new part of your life. Go to the meeting, find a Dom who you can trust and work with. 

 

The Ghost and Mr. Dom

 For a sub, finding a Dom can be a long process. For newer subs, it’s usually complicated by a need to face their submissive nature. Many subs have felt submissive throughout their lives, and taking the step to find a Dom is massive for them. It makes them feel excited at the prospect, and unsure of the future. 

Excitement is common in so many endeavors, when you finally start to do what you have been dreaming. Visions of the perfect match being made right away, someone who checks off everything on your list and more. As time goes on, and this perfect match does not appear, the sub may feel dispirited, reduce their time searching, Matches can be made, and the mutual exploration begun. 

Once in contact with a Dom, the two begin to discuss interests, perhaps orders are given, and the sub starts to see what the Dom is about. Even if there are differences in the kinks, the sub will go along with kinks outside of their own as part of the exploration. This could lead to new interests. Unless the Dom and sub are just not compatible, this is a further awakening for the sub. To be under orders of a Dom is a dream come true. A fulfillment they have never experienced before. It is a truly wonderful time for the sub. Those initial days of submission are special, as they are the first and everything is new. 

Newness wears off, and the euphoria of beginning starts to change into the realization this is how life will be forever. That thought can sustain many subs, keep them going. For others, there is a recoil. Shame fills them. Regret of what they have done. Even if the orders obeyed are fairly simple, the sub’s mind begins to fill with doubt that they should be on this path. No matter how ingrained service is for them, subs go through this to one degree or another. 

The regret may be so strong the sub decides to withdraw, to end his service, and break off contact. This is unfortunate, but all too common. A good Dom would help the sub through this. Be the reassurance the sub needs. Guide the sub through his feelings and show him that the Dom is the one to rely on. Yes, it is work for the Dom, but it is work that comes with being a Dom. If the sub does reach out, it will create a strong, lasting bond between the two. 

I think most of the time the sub does not reach out when regrets start. I don’t know if there is any way of getting actual numbers, but the most common reaction seems to be for the sub to stop responding. They may ignore messages or even delete their account. This is “Ghosting”, leaving the interaction with the other side not knowing what happened. I dislike being ghosted, but I recognize it’s a natural part of dealing with submissives. As they take their first steps, so much can overwhelm them they run back to what they consider safety. Even if that safety leaves them still yearning to serve, Some subs do send a message they are questioning their choices, and are not sure how they will finish. I like this much better. It provides some resolution. This is fairly rare. 

Having stepped back for a time, many subs then look to return. The fulfillment they get outweighs the regrets, and the regrets fade. I think they would fade in all subs if they continued to serve, but when faced with that, the sub does not see it. Once having decided to return to service, the sub is then faced with should they contact the Dom he was with before. I know many Doms will not accept service from a sub that ghosted them. I think this is a mistake. Insecurity is part of a sub’s nature. This withdrawal is that insecurity taking over, and as Doms we have to recognize that subs do not deal with insecurity the same way we do. The sub is living his nature, and that nature is as part of him as his service. There may not even be warning signs, usually there are not. 

I do take subs back after they have ghosted me. I don’t punish them or get angry. I welcome them back. This shows the sub that they can rely on me and trust me. That I know what they are going through. That I understand their needs and their fears. I try to tell the sub before it happens, that I will still be around when (if) they go away, but with a new sub you do not know, it’s very difficult to tell when this will happen. Telling them you will wait if they withdraw can even shake their confidence prematurely. Each sub is different, you can’t use a standard schedule. 

Welcoming the sub back does show the sub they have made the right choice, to serve and to continue to serve. Returning takes more effort than the first time, because the sub sees the withdrawal as a failure. Makes the sub gun-shy. And the Dom accepting him back is a greater high in some ways then the first time. 

Where ghosting is an internet term, the process is certainly not limited to online. If contact with the sub has been physical, even a public meeting to get acquainted, the sub can still ghost, even having a service of some form is no guarantee the sub will not disappear. 

For Doms, I recommend remembering that a newbie sub is not a veteren of many years and sessions, knowledgeable of his limits and abilities. For subs, there are welcoming Doms who will understand your struggles. Try the one you were with and ghosted. Ask to restart, if he is not interested, find another. You will be able to live your dream, you will have the fulfillment of what has been in you the entire time. 

Crafting a submissive Fetlife profile

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