For a sub, finding a Dom can be a long process. For newer subs, it’s usually complicated by a need to face their submissive nature. Many subs have felt submissive throughout their lives, and taking the step to find a Dom is massive for them. It makes them feel excited at the prospect, and unsure of the future.
Excitement is common in so many endeavors, when you finally start to do what you have been dreaming. Visions of the perfect match being made right away, someone who checks off everything on your list and more. As time goes on, and this perfect match does not appear, the sub may feel dispirited, reduce their time searching, Matches can be made, and the mutual exploration begun.
Once in contact with a Dom, the two begin to discuss interests, perhaps orders are given, and the sub starts to see what the Dom is about. Even if there are differences in the kinks, the sub will go along with kinks outside of their own as part of the exploration. This could lead to new interests. Unless the Dom and sub are just not compatible, this is a further awakening for the sub. To be under orders of a Dom is a dream come true. A fulfillment they have never experienced before. It is a truly wonderful time for the sub. Those initial days of submission are special, as they are the first and everything is new.
Newness wears off, and the euphoria of beginning starts to change into the realization this is how life will be forever. That thought can sustain many subs, keep them going. For others, there is a recoil. Shame fills them. Regret of what they have done. Even if the orders obeyed are fairly simple, the sub’s mind begins to fill with doubt that they should be on this path. No matter how ingrained service is for them, subs go through this to one degree or another.
The regret may be so strong the sub decides to withdraw, to end his service, and break off contact. This is unfortunate, but all too common. A good Dom would help the sub through this. Be the reassurance the sub needs. Guide the sub through his feelings and show him that the Dom is the one to rely on. Yes, it is work for the Dom, but it is work that comes with being a Dom. If the sub does reach out, it will create a strong, lasting bond between the two.
I think most of the time the sub does not reach out when regrets start. I don’t know if there is any way of getting actual numbers, but the most common reaction seems to be for the sub to stop responding. They may ignore messages or even delete their account. This is “Ghosting”, leaving the interaction with the other side not knowing what happened. I dislike being ghosted, but I recognize it’s a natural part of dealing with submissives. As they take their first steps, so much can overwhelm them they run back to what they consider safety. Even if that safety leaves them still yearning to serve, Some subs do send a message they are questioning their choices, and are not sure how they will finish. I like this much better. It provides some resolution. This is fairly rare.
Having stepped back for a time, many subs then look to return. The fulfillment they get outweighs the regrets, and the regrets fade. I think they would fade in all subs if they continued to serve, but when faced with that, the sub does not see it. Once having decided to return to service, the sub is then faced with should they contact the Dom he was with before. I know many Doms will not accept service from a sub that ghosted them. I think this is a mistake. Insecurity is part of a sub’s nature. This withdrawal is that insecurity taking over, and as Doms we have to recognize that subs do not deal with insecurity the same way we do. The sub is living his nature, and that nature is as part of him as his service. There may not even be warning signs, usually there are not.
I do take subs back after they have ghosted me. I don’t punish them or get angry. I welcome them back. This shows the sub that they can rely on me and trust me. That I know what they are going through. That I understand their needs and their fears. I try to tell the sub before it happens, that I will still be around when (if) they go away, but with a new sub you do not know, it’s very difficult to tell when this will happen. Telling them you will wait if they withdraw can even shake their confidence prematurely. Each sub is different, you can’t use a standard schedule.
Welcoming the sub back does show the sub they have made the right choice, to serve and to continue to serve. Returning takes more effort than the first time, because the sub sees the withdrawal as a failure. Makes the sub gun-shy. And the Dom accepting him back is a greater high in some ways then the first time.
Where ghosting is an internet term, the process is certainly not limited to online. If contact with the sub has been physical, even a public meeting to get acquainted, the sub can still ghost, even having a service of some form is no guarantee the sub will not disappear.
For Doms, I recommend remembering that a newbie sub is not a veteren of many years and sessions, knowledgeable of his limits and abilities. For subs, there are welcoming Doms who will understand your struggles. Try the one you were with and ghosted. Ask to restart, if he is not interested, find another. You will be able to live your dream, you will have the fulfillment of what has been in you the entire time.
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