Use and Abuse in Language

 “Come over, I want to use you”

“I am so going to abuse you tonight”

Say these to your sub and he will become excited. The power exchanges/bdsm dynamic uses the words “use” and “abuse” in titillation. There is no more wrong with this than calling your friend a “lunkhead” or “motherfucker”. Insults between friends show the strength of the connection, that disparaging remarks are not taken with malice. 

“Use you” and “Abuse you” in a Dom/sub context exhibit the power exchanged, that the Dom will do physically what he has done verbally. “Use” and “Abuse” are common terms for the sexual and kink related activities where the sub will take what the Dom dishes out. This is the thrill of both of them, a form of foreplay. The words are expressed and taken in a positive manner since that is the nature of the relationship. 

From a linguistic angle, there is a difficulty here. I’m not speaking of someone overhearing and taking the words at face value, but of how to relay when actual harm is intended or done. Saying “That sub got abused last night” could mean the sub had a fantastic time he wished would never end, or it could mean he was exploited and should be contacting the authorities. From the words alone, we cannot tell. Context is needed. 

This is not a unique situation in English. “Cleave” needs a modifier so one can know if it is to adhere or separate. The prevalence of “Use” and “Abuse” and their synonyms for the mutually enjoyable activities Doms and subs engage in means that where in standard or vanilla English they are negative, they are positive in the D/s realm. As in other arenas where common terms have alternative (often radically alternative) meanings, D/s know that unless the negative meaning is expressly indicated, it is the positive, in context meaning. 

When the general English definitions are indicated, it is a matter of more weight than when used in general English. A sub who has been abused in the wrong way has willingly gone into a situation of possible danger and had that danger realized. Because some level of positive abuse is expected, it is linguistically more difficult to relay that actual harm has occurred. D/s practitioners have to overcome in their minds the positive attributions of the terms. Like so much emphasis, this is done with more words. 

Many subcultures and organizations co-op common words for their own needs. It’s a normal part of subculture and language. Often the terms can be misunderstood by those not involved who have no basis to know the specialized meaning. For those who do understand the specialized meanings, more effort is needed to express that the specialized one is not meant.