Kidnapping on the First Date

 I get occasional contacts on various platforms asking me to do a CNC session, often a kidnapping scenario where I take the sub somewhere to tie up and use. This is a very hot scene, as the sub struggles and resists. The idea of forcing someone to take what I give out is hot for me, and for the sub, the idea of being forced really gets their gears going. 

It’s the resistance that makes it hot for both. One being forced, one enforcing their will on another. For a sub, it can relieve them of questions of what they would or won’t do. Here is where it gets tricky. I strive to be a Responsible Dom, I want willing participants in my sessions. I love making the subs who are under me do as I say, but each of them has agreed to submit. A sub I do not know is a different matter. He could be very willing, but since I don’t know him, I would not be as able to tell a real resistance from one he is doing for the scene. Safewords are great, but a newer sub especially may not remember to use them. There is a lot of risk in this. 

Another risk is the sub deciding this is not a scene they really want to go through. If they never have, no matter how strong the draw, it may just not be for them. The subs I work with know me, and I know them. We know how to call a scene off if it’s just not working. By the time the Dom and sub know each other, a lot of the patina of a good CNC (consentual-non-consent) is gone. The sub feels safe with the Dom, so the fear of that Dom in a CNC scene is not there. As a Dom, I want to be assured the sub is up for and able to complete the scene. Something I can’t get if I don’t know him. 

So here is the rub, the very thing that makes a CNC scene exciting is the very thing reduced by the needed familiarity of the Dom and sub. The more I think on it, the less I want to be the Dom who gets a visit from the cops because a new sub changed his mind. Which is a legitimate risk. The best solution to me, is for a sub to get to know Dom A who then arranges Dom B to start the CNC scene. 

A lot of what we do is risky. I totally get how thrilling the idea of being forced is. That elevated thrill brings elevated risk. 

The Other Side of Obscuring

No matter what platform you are on, there is a call for a picture. I’m sure there are numerous studies done proving seeing the face of an internet correspondent helps create a better connection. It makes sense, we tell a lot from faces in the real world. In kink, a lot of people chose to post their face. And a lot don’t. To be clear going into this, I do not post my face. I’ve made my choice, and I’m prepared to live with it.

The decision to post a face pic or not is up to the individual. Many have no problem with it, and those does show their willingness to commit. There are platforms you can post your face, your ass, your dick, how well you suck, how you fuck. There are a lot of guys who will want to see and appreciate. You are an adult, so you have made a decision on your life.

Others chose not to. No-Facers have their own reasons like Facers do. Some could have their jobs put in jeopardy if associated with kink. To some it may just be a preference. Regardless, a No-Facer is an adult and has made the decision just like a Facer has.

As discussions progress, very often a request to exchange face pics, to do a video call, or something else is made. This is perfectly natural, and shows a progression of of the relationship. No-Facers have a new choice. Some will share with people they have grown to trust. Others will not. Here is where we get to the crux of the matter. Given the ease and expectation of face pics, if you chose not to share, be prepared for that to cool things down.

The other person, be they a Facer or No-Facer has every right to expect to see you at some point. This is the right of expectation, not an absolute right to see you. A No-Facer can still decline and be within his full rights. If you are unwilling to share your face, you must be prepared, as I am, for that discussion to end. Asking to see your face it not unreasonable.

Facers should be prepared that some men will not show their face regardless, and evaluate on their own how to deal with it. It may eliminate the possibility of physical contact, but if the discussion is engage, you can still talk.

For both sides, consider how important it is to see the other person’s face. Is it a deal breaker? Can you live with it? And remember, the other person as the right to make the decision they make. It’s not a question of rights, it’s a question of how you deal with it. Be prepared to accept the consequences of your decision.

Two Types of Collars

When it comes to collaring a sub, we have heard about consideration collars, promise collars, commitment collars. All of these represent some level of engagement with a dynamic. Some Doms will have a sub move from one type to another working up to a permanent collar. There are also what I call “signal collars”, which are put on by a sub with an open lock to advertise his desire to find a Dom. 

I want to talk about two specific types of collar. The first is a scene/session collar. I like collars. I like subs in collars, and I will put one on him if it’s our first session. This does not indicate anything but I want one on the sub. If he’s a pup, it’s almost required. There is no special significance to a session collar. It does not indicate I claim him or that he submits to me for more than the session we engage in. It’s not supposed to. It’s part of the session just like bondage or a flogger would be. It’s a tool. At the end it comes off like anything else I’ve put on to have fun with. 

A sub should not take that as establishing a dynamic, and the Dom should not either. It’s designed for play, it is play. Attributing more to it is a mistake. 

The next is some level of “commitment” collar. In this case commitment does not mean one has been established, but that it is more extensive than a scene/session. The first one I want to discuss is the “looking for” collar. This is a collar with an open lock. Such a collar is used to indicate a sub is actively looking for a Dom and is approachable. It is not an open invitation to use or talk to the sub as if he were already yours. The open lock is a signal, one of availability. Compatibility is another matter. 

If the lock is closed, it most likely means the sub is taken at some level. The sub may close the lock because they want to indicate they are submissive, but not open to searching, but that is fairly rare. A closed lock most frequency indicates the sub has an ongoing relationship with a Dom. The level of that relationship is up to the members. If you see a closed lock, there is no reason you cannot talk to the sub, but do not expect it to go beyond talking. If the sub is open to that, he will have to indicate in another way that he is available. I never presume that a sub can play outside his dynamic unless he says so. 

Collars can help draw a Dom and sub together, to show they are in a dynamic. It is a mistake to presume they are in a full on TPE 24/7. It could be the two are early in a deep commitment and are making sure things will sustain. It could be a timed collar, where they have agreed to a given dynamic for a period. It’s really up to them to decide how to do it. 

Collaring is very important to the Leather and BDSM communities. The term “collaring” can even mean a virtual collar, where the relationship exists, but the physical collar is not present. Just as some married couples do not have or wear rings, some have the commitment, not the physical item. 

Where there are some general rules, collaring is up to the people involved in it. General practice is most solid around the term “collaring” for the establishment of a dynamic, and the open or closed lock to announce availability. 

Sometimes Words, Sometimes Weapons

Kink is full of terms that often need some explanation. “Dom” and “sub” are good general terms, and most will understand what they mean. However, other terms can be used in particular dynamics and require some definition to relay the meaning. 

One thing to always remember is that in a given dynamic the words used inside of it can take on a life of their own, to be specialized to the couple. Or to a wider audience. Poly families, dungeons, any community can have terms that mean something to that given group and you would need to understand the meanings there to fully grasp it. 

Consider the phrase “get all the boys together”. If spoken to a group of men before a sporting event, it would be common parlance, even though “boy” would be considered a derogatory term if applied to a full-grown man in a non-casual way. “Hey boy, get over here and fill my glass” would be demeaning if said to a 40 year old waiter. The context carries it all here. 

In many BDSM dynamics “boy” is used for the sub and that term is widely accepted. Even if the participants are not usually into humiliation or degradation, boy is used with commonality. In a given dynamic, kink or non-kink, derogatory terms can be used as marks of affection. Context is important here, as calling someone a “ass-licker” at a formal dinner would be inappropriate. In casual environments, it may be perfectly acceptable. 

The source is important here, the recipient of the slander knows the speaker is joking, and using what is a term of affection between them. So there is no offense taken. Appropriation by other may or may not be accepted. 

Certain communities can develop terms that are derogatory outside of the community but have a different meaning with the denizens. “Scum”, “Loser”, even “Fag” can be seen as defining and acceptable roles within those bounds. In a community, it is not the meaning attached by two people, but by the members as a whole. The terms may have functional or historical significance. The question to ask is not do those in the larger society see the term as negative, but do those so referred to take it as an insult. 

Context and source are the important parts of degrading terms used as endearments. If you are not in the right place, or not the right person, it is a very bad thing to do. It is the developed relationship between people that allow them to levy insults to each other in a positive way. If you have not established that relationship, calling someone a name is harmful. It is a weapon in your hand. It can be harder if it is a term the recipient is aware you know can be endearing, as it will be perceived as an insult to that relationship. 

The same word can be endearing or destructive. How it is taken is determined by the recipient, and it is not an absolute, the words live and breath with each person. 

Keyed Consent

 Consent is very important to me. It is beyond amazing what can be done by a Dom because a sub consents to it. But the fulcrum is consent. Everything pivots and is made possible by it. Clear consent, given without pressure or coercion, makes a vast arena for both to explore. 

Consider a house that has a single door in the front and a number of rooms that can be locked inside. Each of these rooms is something the sub can consent to, and the house is the sub himself. The sub can choose to give the Dom keys to whichever rooms he is willing to consent to. The Dom has the keys and can use the rooms as he wishes. All of this is because the sub has surrendered the keys to him. The sub can get the keys back at any point. Either by saying so in discussion, or calling a safe word. 

What rooms, what the sub consents to, can change over time and should be a partnership discussion. I don’t say that to mean that the Dom can override the sub in this, but that if there are questions or concerns the Dom needs to know so he can adjust as necessary. Withholding consent may be permanent or temporary, depending on need. Discussing with your partner lets your partner understand and know if he can push on the door, or needs to avoid entirely. 

The construction and layout of the house is up to the sub. Each room is locked and some locked rooms can be in other locked rooms. Each key is independent. The sub opens the front door to explore with the Dom. When this happens, the Dom has free reign to every door he can open. As often and as intensely as that room permits. The sub has surrendered the management of those rooms to the Dom until such time as the sub takes the keys away.

“Pushing on the door” is a good way to describe how to test limits. A Dom should never violate the limits, but can go up to them and push. That gives the sub the security that the limits remain in place, and gives the sub an opportunity to contemplate giving the Dom a key to that room to explore. The door is not unlocked, it does not open, until the sub gives the Dom the key. 

A sub may not want to be in the room the Dom has decided to explore. However, bound to the Dom, the sub goes where the Dom wishes. With the keys comes dominion. So long as the Dom has the keys, he is in charge and makes the decisions. Like giving keys to a renter, the renter has the rights there, until there is an eviction. What the sub evaluates is does he want to take back the key to the room or to everything. So long as the sub leaves the keys with the Dom, the sub obeys. And the Dom is within his rights to use those rooms as he choses. 

Doms do have to look at how he is using the room. This is part of being a Dom, or a good renter. Use that room for its purpose, but watch out for wear and tear. How does the sub react? What are you doing and will that cause the sub to need to take back the key? Yes, it’s yours for now. But like someone destroying a rental property, will that get you evicted. A good Dom does not just use, but uses so he can continue to use.  

The main key is the key to the front door, the only way into everything. Opening up this door gives the Dom rights to the rooms he has keys to. The front door has a key the sub cannot ever completely surrender. It’s molded to his hand, or the lock is biometric. However you want to visualize it. The sub may never (and I argue should never) feel he has no right to lock that door to the Dom, no matter how long submission lasts, it is always possible the sub can lock the front door. If the front door is locked, no matter how many interior keys the Dom may have, he can use none of them because he cannot get to those doors. 

Consent is the key is a common phrase. It is key, it is how we do what we do. Each of those keys is precious, for the sub to surrender, for the Dom to engage. 

Dungeon fundraiser: my vignettes

 The Nashville dungeon has released a book of vignettes "Hot Flashes" fundraising for their benevolent fund. About a quarter in the book are by me. You can read more of my flash fiction at https://sadosam.com/maxpotter/

"This is a charity anthology. A portion of the sales of Hot Flashes will go to aid the CPI Benevolence Fund. CPI is the group that runs The Mark, the dungeon space and community center in Nashville (http://themarkbycpi.org/). The CPI Benevolence Fund is used to support members of the Nashville/Middle Tennessee kink community during times of hardship or crisis by temporarily assisting them with their basic needs."

CBT & Baking

 I had a sub in for the weekend, so there were several activities planned. This sub loves Toll House cookies, so I decided to make a batch. I decided he needed to be occupied allowing me to concentrate on not burning the cookies. 

Separating activities, so he was away from my food work zone, the sub was bound to a table, leaving him quite exposed. I attached a special vice to his balls and applied a significant amount of pressure. He took it like a champ. I washed up my hands well, and got to the ingredients. Everything together, and the oven heated up, I figured the sub needed a bit more. I did say it was a special vice for the balls. This one has electro attached to it. I turned the electro on so shocks started. He really felt that. 

The first batch went in the oven. As the scent of baking Toll House cookies filled the air. During baking, I played with his nips, going tough so he felt it. On top of the pressure and electro on his balls. Grabbing his pecs and mauling them. Additional pain until it was time to bring the cookies out of the oven. One second I’m giving him new pain as he writhes, the next I pull a tray of cookies out, thoroughly wash my hands and put the cookies on the cooling rack. 

As the cookies went into the oven, the sub got new tortures. During some of this, I broke up and fed him bits of still-oven-warm cookie. All the time with the constant ball pressure, and the oscillating shocks from the electro. 

In the midst of torments I meted out, there was the strong scent of baking, and taste of warm Toll House cookies.  The timer would go off, and I would pull more cookies out of the oven. The dichotomy keeps him spinning in his mind. 

He had the vice on his balls through the entire time. Electro as the cookies baked. Additional tortures and his nose and mouth taking in pure pleasure. Some of my best baking, and the entire time, the sub had an experience he will remember for a long, long time.